Love Has Said Hello Again
by Seajellybaby
Summary: Two years had passed since they last spoke; since that awful moment when Luke asked him whether they could remain friends.  Noah had adamantly refused.    "I can't."  He told Luke, because it was the truth.
1. Chapter 1

If anyone were to ask Noah to describe coffee in one word he'd call it sexy. Noah believed coffee had a way of wrapping its warm aromas around a person like a strong pair of arms.

Coffee was his best friend.

He loved to bring the steaming mug to his face and inhale deeply; exhaling only as he took a sip. He revelled in the intensity and experimented with the flavour; tingling as the welcomed liquid slipped down his throat.

It was the only time he felt calm and warm.

Noah prided himself as much on his coffee making abilities as he did on his talent for directing. He always purchased the best brands and knew just how coarse to grind the beans. To Noah, how you brewed the coffee was just as important as where you sourced the quality.

But there were always the odd mornings when things went wrong. He called these 'April fool' days. And he always knew when he was in for one of them because, no matter how hard he tried, the coffee bombed and he couldn't get it right.

Today was one of those days. It wasn't just the coffee either. He'd also managed to burn his toast, stain his work shirt and stump his toe. And now, to top it all off, some asshole had taken his reserved parking space, leaving Noah with no option but to park in the guest bays.

He'd make sure the interloper returned to find his car clamped, that was for sure!

"Good morning!" a man greeted happily as they both washed their hands in the restroom sinks.

"Humph!" Noah groaned in response, wondering, as he so often did, why it was that strangers felt the need to talk to him.

"Yeah! I feel ya! It _is_ Monday morning after all!"

With an added chuckle the man departed and Noah glared into his back.

The thing was, unlike most other 'normal' people, Noah usually looked forward to Mondays. He'd get up early and jump start the week by booking as many appointments as he could possibly cram in.

He did it to pull himself out of the inevitable weekend slump. Because when he couldn't fill his Saturdays and Sundays with script reading, location scouts and grocery shopping he was left with nothing but a silent apartment and thoughts best forgotten.

And it was also for the latter reason that later, after his 9am appointment failed to show by 9:15, Noah sat agitated in his office, tapping his fingers on the wooden surface of his desk.

He hated idol time; or rather he hated moments that weren't filled with conversations about screenings, editing, lighting, pitches, marketing and so forth. These were the only thoughts he wanted crossing his mind… ever again.

It was definitely lining up to be an 'April fools' kind of day.

"Damn!" he yelled, thumping his hand down on the desk when after another 10 minutes his guest still failed to show, "Claudette?"

His assistant came running. She knew that tone and he didn't even have to ask.

"One double espresso coming right up!" she assured him from the relative safety of the doorway.

He nodded with a desperate attempt at a smile which she returned sympathetically before leaving to search one out for him. She was a God-send! Why she put up with him was anybody's guess.

It was no accident he was still alone.

Shit!

At that moment his phone rang and he answered it quickly, grateful for the distraction from _that_ thought, "Hello?"

"Hello Mr Wilson?" Scott greeted apologetically and with a hint of fear, "I'm… look sir… I'm really sorry but I'm not going to make it in time for our meeting."

"No shit Einstein!" Noah replied, "You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago! You know how I hate to be kept waiting!"

"Yeah boss, I know. But I was on the subway and the train wasn't moving. There's no signal down there so I couldn't call..."

"Look I don't give a shit about your excuses! Just make sure it doesn't happen again and have Claudette reschedule." Noah sighed deeply ensuring Scott heard his disdain over the phone.

"Will do." Scott assured him, "I really am sorry."

Noah didn't bother to reply, just slammed down the phone in irritation. Like he had time to waste!

It was during this event that Claudette delivered his coffee. Unfortunately for her it was not to his liking and he spat his first sip out across his desk.

"Fuck! Shit tastes like drain water!"

"What?" She asked in doe-eyed worry, "It's from Ed's. You said you liked the coffee from Ed's!"

"Yeah well today I don't!"

God! Could the day get any worse?

A bright flash of light, loud clap of thunder and the sudden downpour of rain outside his panoramic window assured him it could. The sound made Claudette jump and she followed his gaze outside.

"Great!" he exclaimed, "Just what we needed! Never mind about the coffee Claudette. I've got to sort this."

She nodded and made a hasty retreat as Noah quickly picked up the phone and rang his co-director.

"Hey Noah." Timothy responded, "Guess we won't be filming in the park this afternoon."

"Oh really?" Noah replied sarcastically, "You don't say? I seriously cannot believe this! Damn! I thought you said the weatherman reported sunny conditions."

"Since when is the weatherman ever right?"

"About as many times as you are! Okay, well, I guess we'll have to film the restaurant scene today instead. Can you call the venue? Check they're free?"

Wisely ignoring Noah's quip Timothy sighed and replied, "Sure."

"Great I'll be on set within the hour."

...

After a disastrous afternoon filming on location, Noah returned to the studio for three meetings before deciding to call it a day.

The restaurant chosen for the shoot was not as accommodating with the unexpected change in schedule as Noah would have liked. When he arrived on set it was to an irate owner who refused point blank to cancel the day's lunch bookings unless he was compensated for their loss.

As if the movie wasn't already way over budget!

Noah had his coat on to leave when his boss burst through the office door.

Great!

"Noah!" Jagad Khan smiled forcibly, smooth Indian accent hinting at a new idea, "I am so pleased I caught you."

"Jagad." Noah nodded with much less enthusiasm than his boss. He was well aware that if it wasn't for his skill in the director's chair, Jagad would never have put up with his sour and mostly disrespectful attitude. "What brings you down from the top floor?"

"Well, it is so exciting I had to come and tell you in person!" Jagad smoothed the cuff of his Armani jacket as he spoke, "I've just had a meeting with a very interesting young man and we have been given a very rare opportunity. A privilege really."

"Oh…kay?"

"How are you for time these days?"

"Well," his suspicions raised Noah replied carefully, "as you know I'm really busy on Occupied Spaces and I'm working on that new documentary about ocean fish stocks. Plus I'm trying to get 'Speaker's Corner' up and running."

"Have you had any luck locating a host for that?"

"Not yet. But I will. It's not a problem."

"Well, actually, I'd like to hand all your current responsibilities over to Timothy."

Dammit! He knew the man was up to no good!

"What the hell, Jagad?"

Noah didn't like the way this conversation was headed. He wasn't the sort of person to skip out on a project half-completed. He was particular and liked to make all final decisions. He liked to have the choices. There wasn't a person alive he could trust. Life had taught him that the hard way.

"Yes." Jagad explained, "I'm going to need your full attention on our newest project."

"Jagad, I really don't think-"

Jagad held up his hands, "Noah, I'm afraid this is not up for discussion. You are my best documentary film maker and we have the chance at some real success if we get this right."

Noah sighed, realising he wasn't going to win the argument, "Okay, fine! What's the assignment?"

"Well," Jagad explained, wide and victorious smile crossing his lips, "two years ago a new neurology wing opened up in a small-town hospital very near to Chicago."

Noah's heart fell immediately to his shoes.

"Over that time the hospital has successfully and miraculously restored the eyesight of over 50 patients. Made the blind see, you understand?"

An old yet achingly familiar pain began demanding exit from the cavern in which he'd hidden it years ago. Noah's shoulders squared with the sudden tension; the deep anger taking hold as his teeth ground together.

"This success is down to a world renowned brain surgeon called-"

"Dr. Reid Oliver." Noah spat the name like it tasted of bile.

"Why yes!" Oblivious to Noah's scorn Jagad became even more excited at the thought Noah already knew of the story, "You've heard of him? A remarkable man indeed; a true miracle worker!"

Noah sighed, "I've not only heard of him Jagad. I _was_ one of those patients. The first at that hospital if you want specifics."

"You were?" Jagad's dark eyes widened and brightened at the same time. He was positively salivating, "That is fantastic news! Well of course not that you suffered blindness but I'm sure you understand my excitement… Oh then I was more than right! You are the perfect director for this project. It is like destiny."

"No." Noah replied simply.

At first Jagad didn't hear him, just kept gushing about how brilliant the whole project would be, "…and to think I had one of his patients…" then frowning in realisation he asked, "Sorry, what?"

"I said no." Noah repeated deadpan.

He pushed past Jagad and quickly fled the studio suddenly feeling extremely claustrophobic and desperately in need of fresh air, not to mention caffeine.


	2. Chapter 2

Fucking Reid Oliver!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Noah remembered only one truly satisfying moment in the company of the 'great' doctor; and that was right after he delivered a mean right hook to the man's lower jaw.

Hitting Reid hadn't solved anything, he'd still lost the love of his life to that smug asshole, but God it felt so fucking fantastic.

As he tried to reign in the overwhelming anger, Noah was distinctly aware he was driving faster than was wise in a downpour. He could barely even see through the windscreen; wipers swishing on full power.

Why now?

Why him?

Of all the fucking directors in the whole of Los Angeles why did this have to fall on his lap?

Was he really supposed to do this? Film a documentary praising a man who'd given him back one dream at the cost of another?

"Here Noah," he muttered to himself, "let me give you your sight back so you can watch while I steal your boyfriend and your life!"

His tortured thoughts were interrupted by a bang that definitely wasn't thunder. The truck skidded and screeched madly from left to right as he desperately tried to control the wheel. He slammed on breaks but continued to slide right off the wet road onto gravel; only finally coming to a standstill after pulling up the hand-break.

He coughed; chest burning where the seatbelt locked taught against him; and sat gripping the wheel, listening to the rhythmic sound of the wiper-blades and the claps of continuous thunder outside.

The frustrated scream he'd felt building all day broke out like a caged animal, "FUCK!"

He scrambled out of the door; rain immediately soaking him through; and proceeded to kick the flat and offending tire.

"You fucking piece of shit!"

Life was just one disaster after another. His need for a decent cup of caffeine grew exponentially.

He pulled his arm back, ready to smash a fist through the passenger window but a silver BMW pulled up behind his, headlamps temporarily blinding him through the rain-darkened mist.

He blinked, realising suddenly how wild and crazy he must look; hair drenched and shoulder's heaving; kicking the crap out of his 4x4.

It was a wonder this person stopped to help at all.

His arms dropped to his side as he watched a man in a suit and tie emerge but it was too gloomy to see him clearly.

"Need help?" The voice was soft and drowned out by the rain.

"Yes I do." Noah replied, squinting at the shadowy shape of his rescuer. "If you know how to change a tyre I'd really appreciate it."

"You never were much of a dab-hand at cars."

As the voice registered the world stopped; yet the cars passing them by on the motorway seemed to double in speed.

No!

Impossible!

The air left his lungs as the nearby streetlamp illuminated the golden hair of the approaching figure and their eyes met.

Two years and there it was.

Still.

"Hello Noah." Luke tried to smile casually but Noah wasn't fooled, he saw the trepidation written starkly in hazel.

"Luke?" It was all Noah could say even though he had a million questions to ask.

Luke looked more mature but no less attractive, and it would seem their separation had done nothing to dull Noah's feelings for him. There they were, alive and well and quickly resurfacing at the mere sight of him.

Angered but most of all scared by that, Noah wasn't having any of it.

"Well, doesn't this just top off a perfect day?" He spat sarcastically, and then tried not to react as his words stole the smile from Luke's face.

A spark of hurt darkened the brown and his forehead wrinkled; crinkling between the brow; just as Noah always remembered it too.

Noah wanted to ask at least one of the thousand questions he had but it would mean opening up a dialogue with a man he'd tried to leave in his past. He couldn't allow_that_.

"So?" Luke prompted after a few minutes of silence and simple staring, "Are we gonna continue getting soaked or…" He indicated at the car with his hands.

Clearing his throat Noah forced his gaze from Luke and wiped the rain from his face. All he wanted was to get back on the road; get home and make coffee.

Most of all he wanted out of the uncomfortable situation as fast as possible. And that meant letting Luke change the tyre. Wordlessly he opened the trunk. He didn't need to speak; Luke followed suit and helped him heave the heavy spare to the ground.

An accidental brush of Luke's fingers sent a bolt of emotion shooting sparks through his body and Noah stepped quickly up and back; arms crossed in front of him.

He'd worked hard to master the art of not feeling. He'd had to shut himself away from everybody. Keep his distance. Never let anybody see the broken person he really was beneath the spiky exterior. But it was proving difficult when here, out of the blue, was the very epicentre of a pain he'd suppressed for a long time.

Luke felt it too. His unease was obvious as the blonde spent an unnecessarily long time examining the state of the spare tyre.

A lightning bolt flashed high above, almost like an external manifestation of what Noah just experienced with that touch. It was only natural that they both react, Noah thought. It didn't mean anything. They had loved each other once after all.

Still.

The word floated through his subconscious like a whisper on the wind.

Noah swallowed it back.

It didn't matter anymore, because Luke had moved on with _him_. It was a one-sided thought and there was no point torturing himself with images of _them_ together; thoughts of this other man's hands all over him. It only served to make Noah sick and angry.

His soul was already black enough from the experience of their parting and he wasn't about to let Luke take what little of himself he'd managed to claw back from the brink.

Closing himself off, he shook his head and stood tall; resolute.

"The tyre's fine, Luke." He said it flatly… emotionless… ensuring Luke understood his position.

Luke turned and Noah shuddered at how well he could still read those eyes. The sadness and concern in them almost floored him. He knew Luke was reading him too.

"You're not hurt, are you?" the blond enquired; worry clear as he scanned Noah for injury.

"Of course I'm hurt." Noah wanted to scream, "You broke my fucking heart!" But he didn't. He simply shook his head and steeled his nerve, replying instead, "Let's just get this over with."

Slowly, nibbling nervously at this bottom lip, Luke nodded; all previous bravado cracking fast in front of Noah's cold demeanour.

Noah held back, helping only when it was absolutely necessary. Mostly he simply watched as Luke jacked up the car and changed the flat in record time; periodically glancing nervously in his direction.

Noah knew Luke was trying to gauge something, but he avoided the man's gaze until Luke slammed the car's trunk closed and asked, "Can I come back to your place?"

"What?" It was the last thing Noah expected and he didn't know what to say.

Large water droplets ran fat down Luke's cheekbones and his long bangs clung to his forehead, "To dry off?"

Noah began to panic. It was a trap. Luke wanted to know where he lived and that would leave him open; vulnerable.

"Noah?"

Again Luke caught him in a moment and he cursed himself for being so obvious.

"Fine." He stated coldly for want of anything else to say and to hide Luke's effect on him, "Follow me."

Without another word or look he climbed up behind the wheel and slammed the door.

Damn if he was gong to let this man get to him again.

Part of him hoped Luke would change his mind, knock on the window and say it was okay; he'd go back to his hotel room or wherever the hell it was he came from.

But another far larger part hoped he wouldn't. And that was terrifying.

Two years had passed since they last spoke; since that awful moment when Luke asked him whether they could remain friends. Noah had adamantly refused.

"I can't." He told Luke, because it was the truth.

He left Oakdale that very same day and never looked back.

Luke's family continued to call him on a weekly basis. Eventually Luke tried to get in touch too.

But Noah withdrew as far back inside himself as he could get. He returned to a person similar to the one he was before he met Luke; only perhaps a whole lot darker. It was safe there and he didn't have to feel or remember all he'd lost, or think about Luke living a life with _that_ man.

Living a life without him.

Two weeks after arriving in Los Angeles he could no longer stand the painful calls from Oakdale. He walked into a phone shop and purchased a new device and number, dumping his old phone in the trash on the way out. A week after that he moved to a new rented apartment.

As far as he was concerned the Oakdale part of his life was over and he had no intentions of taking any of it, or any of them, with him. He refused to look back. It hurt too damn much.

Now as he watched the lone figure in the rear-view mirror return to his car and waited until he heard the BMW's engine start up, Noah wondered whether it was just by chance that Luke was the one to find him stranded on the side of the road.

Or had Luke been following him? And if so why?

Sighing deeply Noah pulled back out into the traffic and headed in the direction of his apartment without any idea of what would happen once they got there.


	3. Chapter 3

Noah expected Luke to follow and keep up. He shot through amber lights, cornered quickly; didn't make it easy for him. He parked and ran through the sheets of rain until he was sheltered by the lit entrance to his apartment block.

His body shivered, whether from the damp or from Luke's approach through the darkness he wasn't sure. He just knew he resented the way his heart still raced for this person; the instinct he had to wrap his arms around Luke and chase away the goose-bumps he could see rising on his skin. The cavernous desire he had to be himself again; normal.

"This is your block?" Luke asked conversationally as soon as he was close enough. "It's nice."

Ignoring him Noah used his entry fob and pushed the large glass door open after an electronic voice said, "Please enter."

He waited; pressing his back against the glass door both to hold it open and to reduce the chance of Luke brushing him as he past.

Luke scanned the smart lobby interior; turning to say something to Noah only to be virtually bowled over by him as he barrelled past.

Someone had caught his eye.

"Hey!" Noah yelled running down a nearby corridor after the small balding man trying to make his escape. "You can't run from me Mr. Bennett! I've already seen you!"

The building's supervisor unlocked and entered a door at the end of the corridor; almost managing to close it on the angry tenant. But Noah inserted one foot in the way.

Regardless the scared little man continued in his attempts to slam the door closed.

"I'll call the police!" Bennett stuttered, double chin wobbling, "I'm warning you, I will!"

"You do that!" Noah replied, fighting to gain entrance, "I'd love to tell them all about the health and safety violations in this block!"

"You can hardly call a faulty faucet a danger to your health."

"I'm not just talking about my faucet Mr. Bennett! What about the fire escape and - "

"Noah?"

His name on _those_ lips pulled Noah's attention from Mr. Bennett instantly.

Luke stood right beside him, the shocked browns frowning in disappointment, "You're scaring him."

"What? No I..." Noah gazed a few times between Luke and the supervisor and the breath blew from his body.

He stepped away, swaying slightly, almost giving in to the shame before fighting the tendency and stoically settling his stance.

"Don't make me ask again." He told Bennett almost in a growl, "You understand?"

The small man nodded vigorously and sighed in relief as Noah left; stomping up the corridor and pressing the call button for the lift.

When he looked back Luke was staring in contemplation at the now closed door of the supervisor's apartment. Luke remained that way right up until the elevator pinged and only then turned to face his ex.

"You coming?" Noah asked, stepping into the elevator and pressing down hard on the arrowed button that would hold the door open.

For a moment Noah wondered whether Luke _would_ join him. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he waited. It felt like an hour passed as he stood there.

Eventually, shaking, he gave up and released the button, watching as the doors began to slide toward each other. They had less than a foot left to go when Luke's hand shot through the gap activating the safety sensors so that the doors slid back open.

Noah had to look at the floor to hide his relief.

It was deadly silent and strained in the small space as they rose to Noah's floor. Both men looked forward, lost in their own thoughts.

...

Noah's key in the lock must have alerted his neighbour to their presence because just as he opened the door, Mrs Baxter, a retired pensioner and the bane of Noah's life, stuck her head out from the opposite apartment.

"Young man," she croaked, eying Luke with interest, "you were playing that racket of yours too loudly again last night."

Noah sensed Luke's eyebrows rise.

"Now I know you heard me knocking." The old lady continued, "I don't think it's too much to ask that you respect-"

Noah turned quickly to interrupt, "Yes Mrs Baxter, it won't happen again."

"That's what you told me all the other times."

The part of him that wanted to feel bad for her; the part of him that knew it was wrong; throbbed at the sad look on her face. But she didn't understand. Sometimes he just needed it. Like right now would be good. Loud music and coffee.

He entered the apartment and waited for the frowning Luke to join him.

"I don't know who you are," Mrs Baxter called after Luke, perhaps taking note of his puckered brown, "but maybe you can talk some sense into him."

Noah quickly closed the door and before Luke could speak pointed in the direction of his bedroom, "Um… shower's through there. Towels are in the closet. You can loan a pair of sweats and a shirt, just leave your clothes out by the door and I'll pop them in the dryer."

"What about you?" Luke asked.

"I'll wait for you."

Their eyes locked on those words and it was obvious Luke wanted to say something but he held back. He nodded and left dejectedly for the bathroom.

...

Noah entered his bedroom with caution, even though he didn't expect Luke to be there. He could hear the water running in the en-suite shower from the kitchen.

Opening the dresser he withdrew a folded pair of dark grey sweats and an old faded Chicago Bears t-shirt, placing them neatly on the bed. That was the easy part. His attention fell to the pile of wet clothes discarded near the bathroom door. A grey designer suit and bottle green shirt; not the typical uniform of the boy Noah remembered. That boy was from the farm and comfortable only in jeans and a striped t-shirt.

The anger boiled again. This was Reid's Luke.

His aim was to pile up the clothes and get them to the dryer as fast as possible, but the moment he bent and touched them, wet but still warm from Luke's body, he froze. He smoothed the shirts collar between thumb and forefinger, standing straight up and bringing the soft cotton with him.

Entranced, one palm came to lie flat against the bathroom door while the other brought the shirt up to his nose. His eyes fluttered shut at the intense smell of spice and country; strong and masculine. His breath shuddered as he exhaled; his heart raced.

He heard the water displacement as Luke moved around in the shower; pictured the Luke shaped outline behind the frosted glass and as he listened, he heard something else.

Opening his eyes he stared and frowned at the door, leaning sideways to press his ear against the wood; just as he pressed his palm.

Deep, pulsing sobs muffled by the water.

Noah jumped back as though the door were on fire, dropping the shirt to the floor and shaking his head.

Luke still captivated him in a way no other ever had. He still longed for him, desired him, loved him. Noah's heart clenched at the sound of those sobs. Luke lingered deep inside and no matter what Noah did to try and forget it was impossible.

He sniffed back the strong impulse to open the door and hold Luke, wet and slippery in his arms. Instead he snatched at the clothing on the floor, running to the kitchen so he could fling them in the dryer and slam it shut. He fumbled clumsily with the dial, set it to warm dry, and leaned back against the machine as it began its vibrations. Hands gripped his shoulders; his own sleeves still wet and cold from the rain. Staring at the tiles on the floor he hugged his chest and tried to calm his racing senses; fight the tears.

After everything they'd been to each other, how did they end up here? In the same place yet mountains and raging rivers apart.

His body shook as he turned to make coffee; hoping this task would ground him somehow.

He lifted the glass jug from the shelf above the kettle. Noah didn't go for the typical 'drip brew' method favoured by most household coffee makers. No way! To him, making coffee was a process that took time and the 'French press' method trumped the machine any day of the week.

He let the water sit for a while after it boiled. If you tried to rush, the water would burn the coffee and ruin the result.

Once ready, he pulled the plunger all the way to the top and then set the timer on his watch so that it brewed for four minutes exactly. He concentrated all thought on the second hand ticking the time away.

Finally and very slowly, he began to push the plunger all the way back down, but his hand was shaking too much. The weight of the day hit him in full force and, frustrated, he pressed the plunger fast to the bottom; staring as the liquid swirled a black-brown whirlpool within the glass jug.

That was where Luke found him. He shuffled into the kitchen in the outfit Noah picked out for him; hair still wet and framing his face in waves.

Luke being Luke made no attempt to hide the evidence of his crying. As Noah lifted his gaze he found himself immersed in bloodshot brown; pools of fresh tears already threatening to fall from the bottom lid.

Nothing was said; Luke studied him and eventually Noah couldn't take it anymore.

"What?" he pleaded.

The brown eyes searched Noah's face, "You're different."

Noah's throat felt dry and it hurt to swallow, "Yeah, well, it's been two years Luke. People change."

A tear bounced as it fell, landing in the cleft of Luke's lips before dropping from his chin.

"Did I do this to you?" As he whispered the question he blinked a few times and more droplets glistened down each cheek. "The way you were with those people… it…"

Noah couldn't speak without cracking so he just stood there; still hugging arms into himself; shaking his head.

"When I couldn't find you," Luke continued, "I hoped that at least, wherever you were, you were…"

"What? Happy?" Noah almost laughed at that. The anger was back now. "Why are you even here Luke? Were you following me?"

Luke, stung by Noah's coarseness, took a while to compose himself.

"Yes." He admitted finally. "I had a meeting at the studio. I didn't know you worked there, honest."

Comprehension dawned. It was Luke who met Jagad about the new project.

"I was getting into my rental in the parking lot and I saw you. There wasn't time for me to catch you before you drove off so I followed. It wasn't easy. You were driving pretty fast and-"

"So what? Are you _his_ pimp now too?"

The attack was sudden and Luke blanched.

"Noah it's not…" his voice broke and he visibly swallowed, "Look, Reid and I-"

"I don't want to hear about you and Reid!"

"But-"

"I mean it Luke!"

Luke glanced at the floor, scratching behind one ear.

"You know," he said, sniffing, "when I arrived in LA I wondered what I'd do if I bumped into you; if I saw you on the street or at the beach or something. Obviously I knew that was crazy. Los Angeles is a big city after all. Chances of that happening are a million to one. But still, I thought about it often and… this isn't how I hoped it would go."

Noah leaned back into the counter, gripping the edge with his fingers until they turned white.

When he didn't say anything Luke sighed, "You haven't had any coffee today, have you?"

Noah's eyes widened with surprise. Something in Luke's essence softened him, melted some of the frost round his heart.

"I ruined it." He replied gently. "I ruined it all."

If it were possible, Luke's eyes saddened even further. Glimpsing the small French press sitting abandoned on the counter behind Noah he walked over, lifting the lid to smell the liquid. He grimaced.

Silently he turned on the kettle, stepped to the sink and decanted the spoiled coffee, taking a moment to rinse out the jug.

"I'll fix it."

Noah watched in amazement as Luke followed Noah's exact method for making the perfect mug of brew; every step perfection. Noah memorised every flex of muscle, every wave of his hair, every expression as Luke performed the ritual; slowly pushing the plunger to the bottom; lifting the lid to once again smell and test the quality. This time he closed his eyes; an indication he was pleased with the result. Reaching up he removed a mug from the shelf and proceeded to fill it from the jug.

This he brought over to Noah, holding it out to him by the handle like a peace offering. Noah stared at it for a moment, only taking the mug in both hands when Luke gestured he must.

Noah watched him over the rim of the mug as he took a sip. The brew was smooth, strong and perfect. Noah closed his eyes; inhaling the scent and letting the caffeine jolt sooth the shake from his soul.

"Feel better?" Luke asked.

Noah could only nod.

The dryer pinged like a toll of death and they both jumped. Noah began to panic.

He watched the blonde open the dryer door; remove his clothing.

"If you don't mind I'll go back to my hotel in these clothes. I can have them sent back to you later."

Noah balanced nervously from one foot to the other; trying to figure out how to make Luke stay.

"I was stupid to think… I'll just go…"

He was halfway out the kitchen door when Noah asked the first thing to come into his head, "How?"

"What?" It was anxious and as he turned Luke's eyes were pleading to stay.

"How did you hope it would go?" Noah bit on his lower lip. This was risky. This could end badly.

Luke took a step closer, "I hoped that I'd find you living your life."

Noah paused for a long moment as he considered this, trying to reconcile the words in his head.

"You're my life." Said simply, honestly, obviously.

A tiny cry escaped Luke's lips and, as much as it hurt Noah in its pure anguish, a spark of possibility, thin like a ray of sun, broke through the darkness inside.

"I hoped," Luke continued cautiously. Whatever he needed to say was hard and he drew a deep breath, "I hoped you'd want to hold me, because, because… maybe you missed me as much as I…"

"I did." It was whispered under his breath. Putting himself out there was difficult and Noah was out of practice.

"What?"

"I did want to hold you. I do miss you."

The clothing dropped from Luke's fingers.


	4. Chapter 4

Luke's body radiated a halo of damp heat brought on by his recent shower and made warmer still as it contrasted with Noah's frozen rain soaked shirt.

Luke stood really close to him now; close enough for Noah to smell the mint soap and honey shampoo he used in the bathroom.

There was a blazing look in Luke's eyes Noah knew well; pure want.

He felt the coffee mug leave his hands as Luke removed it; placing it on the counter without once breaking eye contact.

"You should step back before…" But Noah's breath escaped in a shudder at his body's instant reaction to Luke's vicinity and he couldn't complete the sentence. He squeezed his eyes shut briefly, sniffed in air through his nose and, as painful as it was, uttered, "You're with… _him_."

"No, I-"

"It wouldn't be a good idea." Noah quickly interrupted staring Luke down. "Despite what I just said. You _know_ how it was with us."

"Yeah," Luke's eyes were focused on Noah's lips as he half-whispered, "I never forgot. No matter how hard I tried."

He caught Noah off guard. Before he could catch his next breath Noah was wrapped up in strong arms, Luke's lips pressing hard and insistent upon his; pushing him up against the kitchen surface.

This was all it took to render Noah helpless; he responded instantly, crushing Luke too him; deepening the kiss; grunting in a desperate need for more.

A subterranean pulse run through him in answer to each of Luke's satisfied groans while a small voice in the back of his head told him to stop. But that was impossible. Luke had always had this effect on him and it was obvious Luke hadn't forgotten how to bind Noah to him; tantalizing him with this lips.

The need for air demanded separation and they both panted as they broke apart, lips glistening.

Luke hugged him then; and they stood wrapped close, listening to each other's breathing, the robust coffee smell seeping through the homely scent of each other. Noah felt the frost melting. But he feared it.

Pulling back to look at him Luke said, "I've missed you."

Noah's lids closed and he swayed as though drunk. Luke was kissing him again; mouth leaving lips to write a path down the inside of Noah's long neck. Noah's legs wobbled and he gripped onto Luke's shoulders for support, afraid he'd fall.

"Luke," he whispered, head tilted back as Luke's mouth formed a perfect 'O' over his Adam's apple, "Ah… Please… Stop… Don't…"

But Luke wasn't listening. He was too hungry; drowning Noah's words in another probing and irresistible open-mouthed kiss.

It was an instinctive motion to run his hands through Luke's damp hair and as he did the old memories came flooding back:

Luke, ruffled and sleepy in the morning.

Luke sweaty and animalistic after a jog in the park.

Luke naked and wanton on the sofa.

Luke reading a book by the window; sunlight lighting his hair on fire.

Luke's head snuggling against his chest.

By the time Noah's brain had catalogued barely half of their precious moments together, he'd forgotten all the reason why this was such a bad idea. He'd forgotten where he was. He didn't care that Luke was already unbuttoning and removing his shirt. He willed him too.

Standing there topless all Noah could do was tremble as Luke stared at him. His pupils were blown and his coffee eyes darkened by strong desire and Noah knew he was a lost cause.

Luke quickly grabbed and pulled Noah around, pushing him back over the kitchen table; sending a salt and pepper shaker crashing to the floor.

Groaning, Luke rubbed his palms up Noah's chest sucking at each nipple in turn. Noah's body shuddered at his touch and he dug his fingers into each of Luke's shoulder blades; pulling him as close as was humanly possible.

Yet still, it could never be close enough.

It wasn't enough.

"No…" he frowned.

Luke's tongue slicked into his ear.

But rage was rushing quickly through Noah; the dark thoughts polluting his mind; and he shoved Luke back. The blonde stumbled, hitting the wall with a thud.

"Why are you doing this?" Noah demanded. "You're not being fair! You knew… I'd just melt if you…"

"What?" Confused, Luke tried to placate the sudden anger by moving forward, hands reaching.

"I won't let you use me, Luke!"

"Use you?" Luke shook his head, "What the hell do you mean?"

"Not. Right. For. Each. Other!" Noah spat, "Remember?"

Luke flinched just as if he'd been struck a cold blow across his beautiful face. His body visibly shook.

"That's what you said!"

"I can't take that back." He eventually replied softly, tears spilling over again. He seemed to consider something for a moment and then he said, "Honestly, when I said it, I meant it."

Noah blinked and hugged his arms in protectively.

"I wanted to be with-"

"Shut up!" Noah screamed.

"Noah, if we're going to get past this then we have to talk about him."

"And what the hell makes you think I want to get past it anyway? What the hell makes you think I want you here at all?"

Noah had held them at bay since the roadside, but finally the tears broke their banks and spilled out the corners of his blue eyes.

"You said you missed me." Luke reminded him, confused.

"Of _course_ I missed you!" Noah sobbed, wiping his nose across the back of one hand. "I fucking love you…" he sat heavily on the table as the emotions took over, "What did you expect?"

The kitchen air was thick with tension. Just two people, yards apart, trying to make sense of things too painful to stand.

Finally Luke sighed softly and admitted, "I don't honestly know what I expected. I can only tell you what I didn't expect."

Noah looked up at that.

"I didn't expect your leaving to feel like my heart was ripped out. I didn't expect the panic when I couldn't get hold of you… I didn't expect to be searching for you for months! How did you hide from me? Ha? Why couldn't I find you?"

Life is a strange thing, because just as Luke asked this question a man called out and began banging loudly on the apartment door.

"Mr. Wilson? Mr. Wilson? You home? I think they got our mail got mixed up again."

Luke turned and left the kitchen. Noah followed. He watched as Luke opened the door to Chuck Killjoy, one of the rare people in the apartment block who made an effort to remain on friendly terms with the prickly Noah Wilson.

Startled Chuck looked quickly between Luke and the shirtless Noah, instantly realising he was interrupting something big, "You okay man? You look like death!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Noah responded over Luke's shoulder, "Flu."

It was clear Chuck didn't buy that explanation but he said, "You should take better care of yourself."

Noah nodded.

Chuck waited while Luke and Noah shared a long stare.

"Well, do you have it?" he asked eventually, getting impatient as well as feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

"Sorry what?" Noah rubbed at a sudden pain in his temple and he forced his gaze from Luke.

"My mail?"

"I… I haven't checked my box. Can I bring it by tomorrow?"

"Sure." Chuck smiled, handing Luke Noah's small stack of letters.

"Okay," Noah replied in a clear tone of dismissal, "Thanks for letting me know. See you later then."

Chuck nodded and left down the corridor, "Later, man."

Keeping his eyes glued to Noah, Luke sidestepped so the taller man could close the door.

"You're using your mother's name." Head bent, Luke ran his thumb along the address label of the electricity bill on top of the pile.

Noah nodded even though it wasn't a question.

He watched Luke's back as the blonde paced a few steps into the room; placing the stack on the glass surface of the small table beside the sofa.

"I should have thought of that." He was still staring at the address, his forefinger tapping at it. "I guess I didn't realise, or maybe I didn't want to accept, just how badly you wanted to get away from me."

The sad slouch of Luke's shoulders, the anguish in his voice meant Noah had no choice but to try and remedy it.

"Not _you_, Luke. I wasn't trying to get away from you. I was trying to get away from _not__being_ with you. It was all I _could_ do. Does that make sense?"

As Luke turned an understanding passed between both men.

Noah nodded. "We can't do this Luke. Not like this. There's too much-"

"Water under the bridge?" Luke finished, also nodding.

"More like under and over it. Flooding it actually."

And Luke laughed. It was a small sound, but it eased a great deal of the tension and Noah took his first proper breath in hours.

"Make you something to eat?"

Luke smiled wetly and nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

Noah pulled his shirt back on, critically watching as Luke picked the salt and pepper shakers up off the floor, thumbing them thoughtfully between his fingers, before returning them to the centre of the kitchen table.

Noah took another quick swig from the mug of coffee, "You want some?"

"Please."

Noah handed Luke the mug and Luke took a long sip, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "Aren't you going to shower?"

Noah looked down at himself and shrugged, "I'm pretty warmed up. I'll leave it for now. I was going to have left over chicken tonight. That okay?"

Luke nodded and Noah opened the fridge door feeling an odd heaviness on his chest. A minute ago they were tearing at each other's clothes; now they were both behaving like it never happened. Noah couldn't work out what it all meant, he just knew he wanted to keep Luke from leaving. And that confused him even further, since cultivating a mere friendship with Luke was never something he wanted.

"There's olive bread too, in that bin over there."

Luke turned and lifted the half-eaten loaf from the breadbin.

Noah removed a knife from one of the drawers and handed it to him along with the wooden board. Pretty soon they fell into a strained silence; working together fixing dinner like it was the most normal thing for them to be doing.

It made Noah think back to the short time they shared a small apartment in Oakdale. They liked to try different things in the kitchen. Some worked and some failed. But they loved spending the time together, teaching each other new skills; learning to cook.

He watched while Luke layered the butter on nice and thick, just the way Noah liked it; amazed that Luke remembered all the small details.

The microwave pinged and Noah removed the bag of two minute rice, cutting off the top and dishing it evenly over two dinner plates.

"You always used to burn the rice." Luke recalled wistfully.

"Yeah." Noah snorted, "And the beans…"

"…and the sardines!" Luke laughed, "Remember that? The place smelt like fish for weeks!"

"Oh yeah! How could I forget?"

They looked at each other and burst into fits of laughter.

"I swear that smell seeped into my skin!" Noah wheezed, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. "I can still smell it sometimes!"

Eyes watering Luke gripped his stomach, cramping from the inability to stop chuckling, "I knew it was bad when… when those three cats followed me home from Old Towne!"

That sent Noah into another fit of giggles that slammed him back into the kitchen counter. He bent over and gripped his knees, "God!"

The atmosphere became suddenly charged.

After a while he realised he was the only one still laughing and when he looked up Luke was gazing at him thoughtfully.

"It's really good to hear you laugh." He explained finally.

Noah stiffened, sniffing and clearing his throat; suddenly feeling small and uncomfortable. He turned to pull the re-heated chicken from the oven and busied himself plating dinner. He could feel Luke's eyes on him the entire time.

"It was good though, right?" Luke asked, pulling up a stool.

"Ha?" Noah replied, handing Luke a plate."

"Thanks." He lifted his knife and fork and stared at the food. "Living together?" He continued.

Noah frowned, "Yes."

Luke sucked on his bottom lip, pushing the rice around with his fork, "You were happy, right?"

Noah gnawed on a thumb nail for a minute before grabbing his plate and sitting opposite Luke. He watched Luke play apprehensively with his food and then reached over the table to cover his hand and stop him. The long lashes lifted and there was such fear in him. Noah wondered if it were the same fear he felt himself or something else.

"Yes." Noah said, rubbing his forefinger up and down the back of Luke's hand, "Yes. I was very happy." His finger stopped at the memory. "Until…"

He shook his head and pulled back, lifting his own cutlery and cutting at his chicken.

"Until I destroyed everything?"

"No! Luke…" Noah dropped his knife and fork with a clank and pushed the plate away from him, "It wasn't you! It wasn't me! It was just…" He looked around struggling to find the word.

"Circumstance?"

Noah sagged into himself, rubbing his face in his hand.

"Yeah." He whispered. "I guess."

Luke nodded tiredly.

"I don't think there was anything we could have done to stop it." Noah caught Luke's eye and they froze that way for a second before he pushed his stool out and stood, "And that just makes it worse."

He left the kitchen and headed for the tall apartment window that lead out to the fire escape. On the rare nights he had nothing to do he would sit out there staring at the stars but now he simply leaned against the wall and gazed down at the streetlights, hazy through the pouring rain.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

Luke's anxious whisper sent a shiver through his body and he immediately began to shake his head, "Luke…"

"On the sofa?"

Noah turned and Luke stood in the kitchen doorway looking like a hopeful child. He immediately knew he would relent.

"Please." Luke begged.

Noah sighed and nodded, "I don't think I can eat now. I'm just going to shower. I'll bring some bedding out for you."

"Okay."

...

Luke was already asleep by the time Noah returned from his shower. He was curled on the sofa with the duvet pulled up to his ears and fresh tears drying on his cheeks. Noah wondered when Luke arrived in Los Angeles. If his plane only landed that morning it would explain why the guy was so beat. He guessed the added emotional strain hadn't helped.

It looked as though Luke was sleeping under water. The light from outside illuminated the rain drenched windowpane and the shadows were running over his face in blue-grey waves.

Noah felt mentally exhausted yet there was no way he could sleep. Not when Luke was so close. Instead he sat cross-legged on the floor near Luke's head, trying and failing to make sense of this strange turn of events.

He couldn't work out what Luke wanted or why he was there and he was too afraid to ask. His mind raced with the possibilities all of which he dismissed immediately. Not only because they were impossible but also because he was scared to hope.

The last time they saw each other Luke was very clear about where he stood. It was over. Finished. He'd made his choice and it wasn't Noah.

And yet here Luke was. Present like he'd stepped out from one of Noah's many dreams.

And sad. It hurt Noah to see Luke this sad and he wondered whether Reid was responsible somehow. Had Reid done something to make Luke seek affection from Noah?

An ache formed in his chest at the thought that a problem with Reid might have been the only thing to push Luke back to him; confirmation that in this triangle of love, he came second.

But he didn't blame Luke for that. Maybe he had during those first few months alone in Los Angeles when he was clouded in depression. But not anymore. He'd accepted long ago that Luke did the right thing. Noah was the main cause of their misery pure and simple. Broken goods from the very start. A poison to their relationship that, as a result, was always destined to fail.

No it was safer to keep people at arms length.

He touched his own lips, remembering how it felt to have Luke kiss him again; press their bodies together. Those same fingers found Luke's hair, silky to touch.

He cried silently; allowing those feelings he'd suppressed to the surface; mentally banking this image of Luke for those really bad times to come.

He knew he'd made a fatal mistake allowing Luke to follow him home. Luke would not let Noah disappear again, even though Noah knew it was for the best. For both of them.

So even as Noah's ice castle melted just a little more at the sight of Luke shifting in his sleep, sweetly burrowing his face into the pillow, Noah's resolve began to build again.

He couldn't risk any further heartbreak; for himself or for Luke.

In the morning he'd order Luke to leave and never come back.


	6. Chapter 6

The sunny day promised by weather forecasters finally arrived and it was a sharp beam of morning sunlight reflecting off a wet glass surface that caused Noah to blink in his sleep and squint.

There was a loud thudding sound in his ears too, repetitive like the beating of a drum. He wondered about it before realising it was his heart; and it took him only a split second to remember why he was curled on the sitting room carpet with a sofa cushion as a pillow.

Noah hardly slept that night; drifting in and out of consciousness as his dreams turned continuously to their past. He practised for hours; an internal monologue of things to say to Luke in the morning; words designed to make him leave.

But Luke was already gone. Noah rolled over to check the sofa, even though he already knew. The room was too quiet and he was encased in a cold feeling he could only describe as barrenness.

Noah hadn't expected this. He wasn't prepared for it.

The only evidence of Luke's existence the night before was a neatly folded pile of bedding.

His swallow felt like razor blades and he blinked hard, sitting up, hugging his shins and resting his chin on his knees for a moment.

"Get yourself together!" he ordered himself. "This is what you wanted. He made it easy for you."

Noah pulled himself to his feet and pressed a palm to his head; stumbling toward the kitchen where a sight struck him so hard he froze in the doorway.

The plates from the previous night's uneaten dinner had been cleared away; the surfaces wiped down to a military shine; and there was a freshly brewed jug of coffee waiting for him.

Noah's hands shook as he poured himself a mug. He fell heavily into a kitchen chair and held the mug between both palms to prevent the warm liquid from spilling over. He didn't want to waste a drop.

His breath shuddered as he took a sip; his stomach tightening in knots.

He was almost reverent about drinking; it was special. It was Luke's parting gift to him.

A sob echoed throughout the empty room but by now the ice was already reforming and the sound felt distant.

He closed his eyes on the last silky mouthful, putting the past few hours behind him; filing them like books on a shelf.

...

"Noah?"

Noah was aware of the feminine voice; remote and insistent. But he was reluctant to be pulled away from wondering what the little boy was saying to his dog.

"Excuse me?" The voice asked again.

He also wondered why the lady in the brown dress would be looking out for traffic when other pedestrians walked in the middle of the empty road without a care in the world.

"Noah?"

He wondered why he had a Jean Beraud print on his office wall in the first place.

"Are you okay?"

He blinked, the Paris scene blurring into the background as his secretary's worried features came into focus, "Ha?"

"Are you feeling okay today?" Claudette asked him, "Because, if you don't mind me saying so, you look a little pale."

Noah's mouth felt incredibly dry and he realised worriedly that he couldn't remember the journey to work. Out the corner of his eye he could see a take-away coffee Claudette must have placed near his hand but he couldn't face it.

"You're really good, you know?" he whispered instead.

Claudette's eyes widened in surprise.

"I don't tell you that enough, I know, but…"

"It's okay."

Noah shook his head, "No it's not." He looked up into her green eyes, "Thank you."

She smiled softly and nodded, "Can I get you anything else?"

"Yes, actually, you got any painkillers?"

"You have a headache?"

Noah felt himself sway in his chair and he had to close his eyes for a moment, "I have a… I have an ache."

"Sure. I'll just go get them."

As she reached the door Noah had a thought, "Um, Claudette?"

"Yes?"

"Were there any calls for me this morning?" He felt sick as his voice cracked, "Any messages?"

He knew how desperate he must have sounded because Claudette's expression was one of compassion, "No. I'm sorry."

His eyes were tearing up, so he quickly nodded and was glad when she turned to leave.

"Good." He told himself.

It _was_ good. His head bobbed in agreement.

But why couldn't he get his damn heart to agree?

He never realised how detailed the painting was before, but he was now grateful for it now. He swept his eyes over the busy Parisians, loosing himself inside the scene like a recreation of himself. He wished he could be there; another time and a whole other country. He wished he could be anywhere else.

Claudette didn't take long and he felt a tickle was she placed two white pills in his palm.

"These are really good." She told him, curling his other hand around a glass of water.

"Thanks." He swallowed them mechanically.

"I've cancelled all your meetings today."

Noah shook his head, "What?"

"Well," she looked worried, "You don't really seem up to it."

He was about to protest when she said, "Javad was due here in thirty minutes to discuss the Oliver project? I expected you'd want to be on your best form for that." When Noah didn't speak she said quickly, "I'm sorry if I was presumptuous in any way, I just…"

He waved a hand at her, "No it's okay. You're right. I'm not up to _that_. I think I'm going to go home."

She sighed with relief and smiled, "I'll call you a cab, okay? You shouldn't really drive with a migraine."

He wished that was all it was.

That morning he thought he could just move on; like he did before. Bury himself in his work; keep others away. But something was different this time around. Luke was different.

At that moment he wished he didn't know what love felt like.

...

There were two locks on Noah's apartment door; the usual cylinder lock standard to most doors and higher up the more secure Yale; which locked automatically on closing the door.

Being the practical type, Noah made a habit of always locking the cylinder lock even though the Yale lock was in place. He liked the extra security of that.

But as he turned his key, he found the lock already unbolted. He frowned down at his hand for a moment. It hadn't been the most normal of mornings after all, and his mind was all over the place. It was possible he just forgot.

Shaking his head he stretched up to twist the key in the Yale lock and pushed the door open.

There was a clanking sound from the kitchen that made him jump, and he leaned sideways to cautiously peer through the kitchen doorway and at the same time silently closed the apartment door.

An open red toolbox sat on the tiles; wrench and screwdrivers littering the floor, along with silver metal rings of different sizes.

A pair of jean-clad legs stuck out from under the sink; one bent at the knee, the other with a bare foot facing skyward; several dark patches evidence of leakage from the sink.

The man to whom those legs belonged wore a blood red cotton t-shirt that rode up slightly on the hip, revealing a studded belt buckle and just a peek of smooth stomach slowly rising and falling to the rhythm of his breathing.

It appeared Mr. Bennett had finally called somebody in to fix the faulty faucet.

Noah approached the kitchen doorway; listening to the hollow clanging sound as the man hammered lightly at something.

Noah was just starting to experience a strange sense of familiarity; when the body slid forward and the man shifted out from under the sink.

He started when he realised Noah was watching him; creamy brown eyes at first wide and then softening into a shy smile. "You're back early."

Noah stared at him, mouth slightly agape; body tense with the sudden shock of Luke's appearance, just as Noah had resigned himself to his departure.

His heart started pounding.

It must have shown on his face because Luke frowned in concern, using the kitchen counter to pull himself up to standing and clearing dust from his hands by brushing them lightly together, "What's wrong?"

Noah's eyes stung as the first tears formed and he blinked madly in his attempt to hide them. Unable to speak he simply shook his head from side to side.

Realising Luke asked, "You thought I left?"

Luke took a concerned step toward him and Noah's only thought in that moment was, "Fuck it!"

He closed the gap, pressed a hand into Luke's lower back and pulled the body toward him.

Luke gasped in surprise but this was quickly stifled as Noah kissed him languidly; sensually.

Luke fell into him. Their body's bonded softly together; none of the frenzied need of the night before; just an understanding of chemistry, like two blobs of mercury amalgamating as expected; as was natural.

Luke came to him easily, fitting bone and skin into the nooks and crannies of Noah's lofty frame; covering Noah completely from neck to foot.

Their tongues met in a slow dance; each breath exhaled through noses tickling flushed cheeks; bodies responding.

All the reasons why this was such a bad idea, all the thoughts carefully collated during the long sleepless night, became meaningless in the simple presence of Luke. All the reasons why they never worked, could never work, were forgotten in waves of love and relief.

Noah cradled him, caressed him; ran butterfly kisses along smooth skin; lost himself in the feeling and smell of him. Noah let himself go; fingertips dancing over the back of Luke's neck, threading through locks of thick unruly hair.

The atmosphere charged and hummed around them; ears deafened to anything but the sighs and soft groans between them. It was the longest kiss they'd ever shared and Noah didn't want to end it, ever. In that moment he understood – Luke was his to fight for; his to possess. It had always been that way. He had only to realise it.

His racing heart made him dizzy and he broke the kiss, pulling Luke's head closer in both hands and pressing their foreheads together as they panted for breath.

Noah closed his eyes again and cleared his mind; focussing totally on the moment.

Dimples deepened and wide lips opened, wavered a moment and then whispered, "Take me to your bed."


	7. Chapter 7

Noah stared Luke down full force; daring him to show anything but complete devotion; daring Luke to deny where he belonged. But he could read only certainty there, and lust, and most importantly a deep, crystal love that had been there from the start. Luke's body was loose, pliable, ready, willing, totally surrendered.

Noah flung Luke around; lips and teeth tracing the tip of Luke's spine; while one of his hands smoothed possessively across Luke's shoulders; down his arm; the other hand slipping centre breast and dropping to where Luke was already hard and aching. Noah pressed himself into the promising crease of Luke's backside. Luke arched his back; shoulder blades pushing into Noah's chest; head falling back to accept another plundering kiss from behind.

Luke's mouth was warm and he tasted like sweet coffee; as though he'd recently drunk a cup. He was delicious.

The man elicited a combination of sounds Noah simply lost himself in. He blew hot breath into Luke's ear to extract more of them and swiftly unbuttoned Luke's belt and fly one-handed; making enough room to slip inside and swirl his fingers around the hard cotton lump.

"Take me to your bed." Luke repeated, only this time it was more a plea than a request.

As Noah turned him around again Luke automatically enfolded their bodies together; hooking limbs into a locked embrace; as though he feared Noah might try to get away from him.

It was Noah's turn to groan as Luke's hands slipped under the waistband of Noah's trousers; fingernails scratching the sensitive skin of his backside.

Noah thumbed both of Luke's cheeks and took his mouth again; pressing forward until Luke was moving backward. There was a loud crash as Luke's feet kicked the toolbox over but neither of them heard it; nor would they have cared if they did. They glided out of the kitchen, past the sofa; down the hall; until the back of Luke's knees finally collided with the side of Noah's bed.

In all that time their lips parted only when they needed to take a breath.

Bodies shook from a mixture of anticipation and fear. But they wanted it; everything; so badly.

Luke exuded desire and Noah read his every need just as though no time had passed since the last time they touched like this.

Unthinking, Noah lifted Luke's arms above his head. He ran his hands all the way down Luke's sides until he could grip the hem of Luke's red shirt and lift it swiftly over the blonde head, revealing the amazing torso underneath.

He dropped Luke's shirt to the floor and stepped back to admire him; eyes sweeping across the firm chest and ribs. Unwavering, Luke lowered his arms and stood firm; eyes lustful; chest heaving and wet lips making him appear licentious.

Noah was no monk; over the years he had experienced more than one or two drunken and meaningless one night stands; especially in those first few angry months when he was subconsciously trying to prove something to Luke.

He'd pick a guy up from some forgettable L.A. nightclub, do the dirty and then leave. He rarely brought men home; but on the few times he had, he'd never allowed any of them to stay the night.

It was wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am…

But none of them, not a single one, could replace or replicate the wave of emotion Noah only ever felt with Luke. It consumed Noah and he had to know if Luke felt it too, "Do you remember this?"

Unsurprisingly Luke knew exactly what Noah meant and he licked his lips seductively as he nodded.

Just as the previous night, a slow stream of tears wrote a path down one of Luke's cheeks and as Luke reached to grab fistfuls of Noah's shirt and yank him closer, Noah gently kissed them dry; waiting patiently for the topless Luke to unfasten the far too many buttons down Noah's front.

And, _shit_, but Luke's hands felt so good when they finally slipped under the cotton and found Noah's skin; pressing deep impressions as they soothed around the waist; coming to rest on Noah's lower back. Luke's palms warmed Noah's blood; the current connecting them strong; obvious; almost like a living thing.

Noah leaned his head slightly back in order to study Luke's countenance, running blunt nails under Luke's chin and trailing a thumb around Luke's open lips before easing it inside his mouth.

Luke took it willingly, running his tongue along it, sucking it hard and nibbling gently at it. He groaned in disappointment as Noah extracted the digit but Noah didn't leave him wanting for long. He crushed Luke's already bruised lips in another kiss, forcing his mouth open in an almost brutal demand to taste him. Luke complied willingly.

In fact Luke was becoming desperate. Noah felt the pulse in Luke's neck quickening under his fingertips; felt as the blonde's breath become shorter, louder. Noah felt how Luke's entire body shuddered in his arms.

Eventually, in typical Luke impatience, the blonde pushed Noah back with a frustrated moan and made swift work of ridding Noah of his trousers before removing his own. Noah watched Luke undress and felt himself slipping ever deeper into the awakened need _for_ Luke.

Luke pushed the shirt off Noah's shoulders whispering a non-stop mantra under his breath, "Take me, take me, take me…"

There would be no time for foreplay. They both knew it; were both urgently seeking the same thing; that connection; that oneness they had once shared.

Noah's focus was now Luke's totally. His eyes travelled over Luke's naked body as Luke stretched across the bed; positioning himself on his back, arms to his side, knees bent and spread wide; offering himself with absolute trust to Noah.

Luke was perfection. Noah could feel the sexual tension in every line of Luke's body. Noah wanted him madly; loved him completely.

His pulses raced as he retrieved what he'd need to prepare Luke from the drawer by the side of the bed; quickly blocking out the memories of the fumbled times he'd used the small supply in the past few years.

But nothing and nobody could ever compare to this. Once a person knew sex coupled with love there was no going back.

He crawled up the bed to meet Luke, placing his palms on Luke's hipbones and tracing Luke's torso up to his arms; capturing Luke's hands and bringing them over his head. Their eyes met just before Noah kissed him deeply. Luke responded with desperate affection, hungry for Noah's touch and his approval; interlaced hands squeezing hard; holding on.

"Oh God…" Noah's stomach burned in his love for Luke. He could barely catch his breath and he knew he must be crying. Luke certainly was. Noah could taste the salt on his tongue.

"Noah…"

Neither of them could wait much longer so Noah knelt back, wasting no time. However he frowned as he gently began his preparations. Luke was tight; _very_ tight. Noah looked up in surprise and saw a truth in the welled up depths of Luke's eyes that frightened him.

Luke nodded seeing his trepidation, "I'm yours baby. _Only_ yours."

This revelation threw Noah; shocked and panicked him. He couldn't face it. The move to draw away was instinctive and Luke's eyes widened; his hand shooting out to grab at Noah's wrist.

"Let go!" Noah demanded.

"No." Luke replied, trying to pull Noah back to him.

Noah attempted to yank his arm free, "Let go!"

"No!" Luke's response was to reach over and grab at Noah's other wrist.

"I told you to let go!"

They struggled until Luke had to drop Noah's wrists or risk hurting him. Noah turned, tried to stand, but Luke held him back from behind by leaping up and flinging both arms around Noah's shoulders in a death-grip, "I won't let you go."

Sat on the end of the bed, Noah's resolve cracked, crumbled, the fight slowly ebbing to be replaced by deep sobs that hurt. Luke's cheek pressed against his back and he could feel Luke's breath on his skin.

All this time, had Luke even been with Reid at all?

"Do you understand me Noah?" Luke asked him softly, "I'll never let you go again - _never_."

Suddenly Luke's hand was in Noah's hair, palming the side of his head. Noah leaned into the touch; body relaxing and falling back into Luke's chest. Luke began to nibble on Noah's earlobe and Noah groaned as Luke whispered, "Finish. Please."

Noah turned in Luke's arms, allowed Luke to cup his face and kiss him in fine little pecks.

"Please." Luke repeated between plaintive kisses, "Please."

Noah kissed him hard once more, pressing him to lie back down. Luke surged against the bed; hands gripping at Noah and hips already lifting, pumping as Noah's fingers made their first intrusions. Noah knelt in place, preparing himself and Luke chewed at his bottom lip as Noah pushed urgently into him.

It was obviously quite a shock to Luke's body because Noah felt Luke clench hard and both of them released a guttural sound somewhere between pleasure and pain. Noah kissed Luke's neck, working his way down; running his hands over the bones of Luke's shoulders. Noah stroked Luke gently for a few minutes, allowing him to grow accustomed to the entry.

He knew when Luke was ready. The other man's breathing became ragged and his legs started to shake; the tightness around Noah's length easing off slightly. Luke exhaled deeply as his body relaxed; hands letting up their firm grip on Noah's arms.

Noah gripped Luke's waist and pushed deeper, then drove back and forth once, making Luke gasp. He repeated the process, this time slower, enjoying the sensation of being _within_ Luke. He made sure Luke could feel every inch of him; felt Luke stretch as he filled him.

Luke ran his hands down Noah's sides; scratching fingernails down Noah's back; his breathing staggering, shortening. Noah could tell Luke was close.

It felt so incredibly good. Noah's head fell forward as he pushed deeper; both men shaking with an intensity that was both physical and emotional.

Noah thought he might faint; floated on the precipice of death. It was almost too powerful; the pleasure mind-blowing; the occasional contractions from Luke's body so extreme that Noah sobbed as Luke writhed, calling out Noah's name.

The world ceased to exist. Time stopped. Only _they_ mattered.

His ears roaring Noah mouthed at Luke's nipples, his tongue flickering across them. Luke's thighs scissored around Noah's slim hips as the pleasure pricked through Noah's chest and down his belly. They found themselves locked together in an intensely erotic kiss and Noah lost control; he bucked into Luke, ramming into him again and again; feeding on Luke's gratifying screams.

They climaxed together, crying tears. Noah collapsed and buried his wet face into Luke's hot neck. Luke held Noah tightly, like something unbearably precious.

It was some time before they could catch their breath. But they were content to simply lay entwined, stroking each other in wonderment.


	8. Chapter 8

Noah had always subconsciously suspected that his love for coffee was inexplicably linked to his love for Luke; that he associated the taste and warmth of coffee with Luke. Perhaps due to the endless hours he'd worked at the Java coffee shop in Oakdale, catching Luke's eye as the blonde sat in the back booth, reading or working on his laptop.

In fact he no longer suspected it. He knew it. Because despite the incredibly emotional situation he'd just found himself in, he didn't have the usual craving for the black gold.

Afraid to close his eyes Noah lay in silence scared even his breathing might wake the sleeping perfection that was Luke, disturb Luke out of sated slumber and back into cruel reality.

Even now, laying side by side and face to face, Noah could barely believe Luke was there naked in his bed; could hardly imagine the past hour actually happening. However Noah's body still tingled from the aftershock of their love making and his heartbeat had yet to return to normal; proof enough that he wasn't dreaming.

For one miraculous but too brief a spell, the two of them had escaped; experienced once more the high that was uniquely them.

But, oh, how far and how hard they could fall now that they'd reached that utopia.

Terror gripped him. He couldn't breathe.

He made an attempt to free himself from Luke's tangled embrace but with each limb extraction another would become locked in place; Luke's grip on him assured and unyielding even in his sleep.

"Shit." Noah said through his teeth. He was done for.

Luke sighed contently into Noah's neck. Now laying flat on his back, Noah turned his head and caught Luke just as he smiled softly.

Luke was exquisite; marble skin shining in the afternoon sunlight bathing them through the open window of Noah's apartment. Noah traced a lazy pattern down Luke's exposed shoulder along his arm until they met with Luke's long fingers, curled around the skin of Noah's thigh.

Feeling overwhelmed, Noah closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before opening them once more and brushing the pad of his thumb across one of Luke's eyebrows.

"God, I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too bubby."

Noah jolted in shock, "You're awake?"

"Mmm Hmm." Luke's eyes remained closed. Half asleep he nuzzled under Noah's chin; sniffing and placing tiny kisses there. "Where you try-na go?"

It was useless fighting. Noah's resolve collapsed once more, "I don't _want_ to go anywhere."

"You smell _so_ good." Luke murmured; hooking a leg around Noah's thigh and pulling him back onto his side.

"I don't want _you_ to go either." Noah thought but didn't say. Instead he bit down on the skin under Luke's ear and enjoyed the way Luke relaxed under his touch.

Yes, he knew Luke would leave again. Back to whatever life he'd carved out for himself in Oakdale. But for now, Noah would savour this. Remember it. Cherish the memory for always.

Luke had said he'd never let Noah go again. But Noah had heard this from those lips before. He knew they were words spoken in the moment; meant in the moment; but ultimately a dream.

Noah stroked Luke's chiselled cheek and twisted a strand of golden hair between his fingers. He didn't want to think how he'd go on after this.

Luke's brows bunched together before his large brown eyes opened; shaded ever so slightly by long, pale eyelashes. He smiled tiredly up at Noah; hand leaving Noah's thigh so he could run a finger over Noah's bottom lip.

"Oh yes." Noah thought to himself, "You're so screwed."

Luke's eyes closed once more and for a moment Noah though he was sleeping but instead Luke hummed at the feel of Noah's hand stroking circles on his back and muttered, "That feels good."

Noah lowered his forehead; his longer L.A. style falling over Luke's shoulder to brush his arm. Tears burned at the back of his eyes but he held them at bay. He didn't want to ruin the moment; break the magic; not just yet.

He cuddled up close to Luke, tucking under his chin and he wrapped his arms around Luke's smaller frame; drawing him as near as their bodies would allow.

"Hey," Luke asked, stroking his hands through Noah's raven hair, "what's got you thinking so loudly?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"I'm thinking about how much I love you."

Luke twisted so that he could gaze into Noah's eyes and caress his chin. It was clear Luke didn't buy Noah's answer but he seemed to decide to let it go for the moment, "I love you too."

Luke lifted his lips to Noah's in a tantalizing kiss before pulling back for a moment, "Make love to me again."

Noah cupped Luke's cheeks and kissed his forehead; closing his eyes. He thought he should say no; they would only be delaying the inevitable. But he couldn't deny the needy tone of Luke's voice.

He pushed up on two elbows, fanning Luke's silken hair in his fingers; watching how a breeze from the window caressed Luke's face. Luke's mouth parted, lips drawing down around ivory teeth.

Fire flashed through Noah's body and he enfolded Luke, crushing him in a fierce embrace.

"Luke." He closed his eyes tight against the burning in his throat; the heat inside him rising as his body responded to Luke's eager touch.

They kissed again, starting slow and yielding but quickly turning passionate; especially when Noah's tongue entered Luke's mouth. Noah had spent years missing this; felt he could never satisfy his hunger for it. He ravished Luke's wide mouth; clamping his lips against Luke's.

Luke lay beneath him and smiled lovingly up into the kiss. His pelvis began grinding into Noah and Noah responded in rhythm. They made love slowly, on into the early evening with all the passion that was them. Noah made sure to kiss every part of Luke, to bring him as much pleasure as was possible. Noah made it last for hours and Luke's cries of need and pleasure were like a symphony of angels. Luke ebbed and flowed beneath Noah, clawed at his back and begged for more until finally, there was no more to give and, after Noah spent a few minutes wiping them both down, they lay curled together completely naked on the sheets.

"I'm going to miss you so much." The words just slipped out. Noah didn't know why. He wasn't normally the one to accidently mouth what he was thinking.

Luke stiffened in his arms, "What?"

Noah played with the fine hairs on Luke's chest, "Maybe one day… we'll meet again… and…"

Luke flew up from the bed, stood naked and glared at Noah in complete disbelief.

Noah sat up against the headboard, head back against the brick wall; knees up tight against his chest; resigned.

They both paused, simply staring at each other through the slowly darkening room. Then Luke, looking every bit like a thunder cloud, retrieved his clothing and began to dress; struggling to pull on his jeans as his hands shook.

Noah watched Luke dress through silent tears; watched Luke leave the bedroom without a word slamming the door behind him.

Noah was sure he actually heard the bubble pop.

He pressed his face into his knees; rubbing the back of his neck with his hands.


	9. Chapter 9

Noah's face burned hot, buried between his knees which he hugged tightly to himself. He felt numb but he preferred it that way. If he moved he'd have to confront the closed door and the rumpled sheets that still smelt of _them_.

He didn't even know how much time had passed; didn't much care either. He felt empty and exhausted; shivering, but not from cold.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

What was he thinking letting his guard down? How could he have allowed things to get this far? Had he learnt nothing from the past?

Yes they loved each other. Yes they desired each other. But they were _not right_ for each other, just like Luke said. And the problems, the unfathomable cracks in their relationship, could not be held at bay by a romp in the sheets. Sex, that closeness they felt, that need, it was a temporary fix. And every time, every single time they tried to start again, it just made the fall that much more painful when they inevitably disappointed each other.

He couldn't muse on this subject for much longer though because suddenly the door burst open again.

He lifted his head and to his absolute astonishment Luke marched back into the room, violently yanking open the middle dresser drawer and rifling inside, searching until he withdrew a pair of sweats. These he promptly flung in Noah's direction. They hit Noah in the face and Noah flailed his arms to pull them off.

"Luke? What the…?"

"Get up!" Luke's face was flushed, his jaw set, and unconsciously his hands clenched, unclenched, and clenched again as if he were taking fresh grips upon himself each time.

"What?"

"I said," A t-shirt whipped through the air obscuring Noah's view. He pulled it off his head just in time to find Luke right in his face, "Get! The! Fuck! Up!"

He'd never seen Luke so angry. And that was saying something! The look in Luke's eyes gave Noah a chill; scared him even. Still recovering from the shock of Luke's re-entrance, Noah could only nod.

Luke's complex anger seemed mystifying and unreasonable to Noah. What right did Luke have to be angry when it was Luke who held all the power? He had only to click his fingers. Noah was proof enough; still sitting naked on the bed despite all his attempts to fight the feelings Luke provoked within him. Surely Luke knew that?

Evening light glinted behind Luke, highlighting the tips of his ruffled hair in tiny sparks. Noah had a brief misplaced thought at how beautiful Luke looked in that moment of anger before Luke exited the room once more, leaving the door open this time.

As Noah pulled on the sweats he heard a cry of frustration and a loud crash. Alarmed, he high-tailed it to the sitting room, afraid Luke may have hurt himself.

The lights had been turned on.

"Luke?" He called worriedly, pulling the shirt over his head as he ran.

He found the man heaving over a smashed ceramic table lamp lying in large red shards on the floor, where Noah assumed Luke had flung it.

Luke turned; his eyes flashing when he caught sight of Noah. He pointed at the sofa, "Sit!"

Unwilling to give in Noah stood firm, "Luke, I don't think…"

"Sit!" Luke ordered again, eyes dark with warning.

"Or what?" Noah challenged.

God! Luke was so incredibly sexy. Noah wasn't sure whether to throw him out or drag him back to bed. It was this constant push and pull between them that was the hardest thing to deal with.

Luke didn't reply but his eyes were burning holes into Noah and Noah found himself sinking into the sofa regardless.

Luke left briefly for the kitchen, returning briskly with two mugs and flinging one at Noah so hard that the coffee inside sloshed over, burning Noah's fingers.

"Hey!" Noah complained. "Watch it!"

"Drink and shut up!" Luke responded placing his own mug on a nearby coaster and pacing up and down in front of Noah like a caged tiger.

Noah wiped his hands on his shirt and took a sip, watching Luke trek the same path in the carpet. As he drank he felt some of his drained strength returning. He walled himself back in, felt the icicles encase his heart. Speaking dryly, as though he couldn't care less, he said, "I thought you left."

That tone stopped Luke dead. He rubbed his face roughly with his hands; visibly irritated; mentally preparing himself.

"Ah yes!" he exclaimed, dripping in sarcasm as he turned back to face Noah. "Because _I'm_ the one always leaving?" His eyebrow raised, "Right?"

Noah dropped his gaze and ran a finger around the rim of the mug.

"It's _me_ that disappeared off the face of the fucking planet! It's _me_ that runs every time things get hard!"

Noah snorted with derision.

"And that's funny?"

"No." Noah shrugged, "What's funny is you painting yourself the victim in all of this! You made a choice Luke!"

Luke wobbled as he stepped back, swallowing visibly, wavering for a minute. But he seemed to find an inner power from somewhere and he said, "You know what Noah? Everybody in LA might buy this whole asshole act but _I_ don't! I can see right through you."

"You think so, ha?" Noah replied. "How can you be so sure? Maybe this_ is_ me now. Maybe this is all that's left."

"Really?" Luke's eyes narrowed as though he knew something and was waiting for Noah to reveal it himself.

"Really." Noah clearly emphasised.

"So… um… I take it Mrs. Baxter doesn't know it was _you_ who paid to have the stairs in the fire exit repaired after she fell and broke her hip?"

Noah's head snapped up, "How did you…?"

"Doesn't matter." Luke dismissed, staying on point, "You want her to think you don't care. You want people to believe this façade that you're wearing. But that's all it is…"

For the first time since Luke left the bedroom, Noah noticed just how bloodshot his eyes were, how tired Luke was.

"The real Noah…" Luke continued, "_My_ Noah… is just hiding away, like he always does."

Noah sighed, "Luke, what do you want? If you think_ that_ then why are you even here? You made it clear a long time ago that you weren't willing to put up with me anymore." He paused as he voice broke, cursing himself for displaying any weakness. But those words brought back so many bad memories. Anger sparked at having to relive the feelings he'd tried so hard to avoid, "Just… what the _hell_ is your problem?"

"What is my problem?" Luke asked with indignation, "My problem is that, after everything we were to each other; without even a goodbye… you… just… left… me!"

"You told me to go!"

Luke shook his head, suddenly so sad, "I never asked for this. I never once asked you to leave my life, Noah! And now…" Noah realised suddenly that Luke was struggling with something other than simply the way Noah left Oakdale. Luke closed his eyes, squeezing out the tears waiting there, "I didn't realise what it meant until I was making the coffee…"

"What?"

The brown eyes opened and locked with Noah's, "You've... um… the condoms and…"

Realising what Luke meant Noah steeled himself; battling a sudden pang of guilt even as he knew he had nothing to feel guilty for. He sat his mug on the coffee table and gave Luke the confirmation he knew Luke didn't really need by nodding silently.

Luke looked like he might throw up and he turned his back, "How many?"

Noah baulked at the question, frowning and shaking his head, "Luke, I'm not going to…"

"How many?" Luke demanded, swinging back around.

Noah watched the anger within Luke building further. He stood up to his full height; a few feet taller than Luke Noah felt more secure this way, "That's none of your business!"

Luke pushed him, two hands on Noah's chest, "Tell me!"

"No!" Noah quickly righted himself, puffing out his chest.

Luke pushed him again, sending Noah back a step, "How many?"

"Luke, stop!"

"Fuck you!" Push. "Fuck you!"

"Luke!" With some difficultly Noah managed to grab Luke's wrists to hold him off, "Stop!"

Luke kept fighting, barely breathing through the crazed fury he seemed gripped with.

It was a high-pitched question from Noah that finally stopped the struggles, "Why are you so angry?"

Luke collapsed, crying broken on the floor at Noah's feet. When Noah released his wrists, Luke pressed his hands into the floor; gasping for air.

And it hurt Noah. It burned deep in his gut that he was the reason, but simultaneously his own anger and emotions kept the walls of self-preservation up. "I never expected to see you again."

This statement resulted in a vocal sob from Luke.

Noah's breath shuddered and he stepped back as Luke reached for him.

"What did you think would happen, Luke? You… you left me so you could live your life with… with…" Noah couldn't say the name, "with someone else."

Luke was shaking his head vigorously.

"Was I supposed to wait around for you? Come to LA and let you call me, visit me? So you could tell me all about how happy you were with…?"

"No, I…"

"And why? So you'd have a backup if things didn't work out?"

"That's not fair!"

"Fair? Who said anything about fair? Nothing, since the moment I fell from that fucking roof has been fair Luke!" Noah breathed deeply through his nose. He'd done it before and he would do it again. He would make himself live without Luke. Because the cycle of doing this to each other _had _to stop before it killed them. "This was a mistake."

"No!" Desperate Luke tried to stand, but his legs wobbled under him and he fell back to his knees.

"You should go."

Luke's eyes widened with hot fortitude and he rose on his knees, "The only way I'm leaving this apartment is if you physically throw me out."

Noah knew Luke well enough to know when the man was serious. He cocked his head and folded his arms.

"So," Luke sniffed and stood back up, and Noah recognised the classic Snyder stubbornness, "you going to chuck me out Noah? Or will you finally let me speak about Reid?"


	10. Chapter 10

"I love Reid."

Noah's arms crossed automatically and he shook his head from side to side.

"Please Noah." Luke pleaded softly, the anger he was displaying only minutes before held at bay in his attempt to placate the other man, "Please hear me out? Okay?"

"I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. I _just _can't."

"It's important."

Noah lifted his eyes; staring despondently into Luke's. The air seemed to evaporate, leaving the two of them suspended in a suffocating vacuum. If it had been anybody else standing before him Noah could have rebuffed them; but this wasn't just anybody, this was Luke; and Noah's defences just weren't strong enough.

"Not_ this_." Noah's jaw clenched, "You can't ask this of me, Luke."

There was a pause while Luke visibly gathered his thoughts.

"What was that in there, Noah?" He asked tentatively, changing the direction of conversation and loosely gesturing toward the bedroom.

"I don't know."

"Yes you do." Luke responded quickly, "I felt it. I know you did too."

Noah nodded, giving in and frowning in concentration; becoming lost in a detailed examination of Luke's countenance. He couldn't resist gently cupping Luke's cheek in one hand, wondering whether it was the last time he'd ever get the chance to, "It was love."

"Yes." Luke whispered capturing Noah's extended wrist and rubbing it with the pad of his thumb. "You wanted me. You still do. You love me."

"I don't know why I even tried to deny how I feel about you Luke. It's the one thing I could never lie about. I've been with other men… yes…" Noah watched Luke's eyes close in pain. "But it was always meaningless." They opened again, fastening Noah to them and leaving him with no choice but to finish the discussion. Whether he wanted to or not. "You're the only man I'll ever love. I know that for a fact and I've accepted it."

"You make it sound like a bad thing. Like it's something you have to learn to live with."

Noah dropped his hand with a sigh, "Wanting you and having you are two separate things. They always have been. But I don't regret loving you and, despite what you might think, I'm not angry with you."

"I'm not angry with you either."

"You seemed angry just now."

"It's… it's more because you could when I… I couldn't…"

Noah's frown deepened, "I don't understand."

"I've been with other men too." Luke had a habit, when he was emotionally stressed, of wringing one finger within the fist of his other hand. It was a tell Noah knew well and Luke was doing it now, staring down at the floor; gathering his thoughts. "Not just Reid."

Noah fell back against the wall at this revelation, his feet shaking; his heart cracking even further.

But Luke ploughed on regardless, "When you left… like you did… without trying to fix things… It _really_ hurt. I think more than all the times you pushed me away."

Noah tried to speak, to beg him to stop, but Luke held up his hand.

"Just let me say this. Please? Let me get this out."

Luke made a point of moving further away from the main apartment door, as though he expected Noah to try and physically fling him through it at any moment. He slowly exhaled, collecting himself together again. "I fell for Reid."

To Noah it was the purest form of torture, but Luke wasn't going anywhere until he said what he needed to say. Noah knew that for certain. Bathed in nausea, skin clammy, he braced himself against the wall; the brick cold against his back.

"I was angry with you so I let you go." Luke continued. "At first I pretended I didn't even care if I never saw you again. I went on dates with Reid… when he had the time. Just to dinner mostly. We never really did the things you and I did."

Noah wasn't sure, but he thought he detected a flash of bitterness in Luke's tone at that.

"And it _was_ good. It really was. Reid and me… we _do_ work… in a way. I mean..." Luke waved the explanation off, "It was just different."

Noah sniffed. It was taking a great deal of effort for him to keep listening.

"And I was okay at first because, deep down, I figured eventually you would call me. You'd call and tell me you still wanted to be my friend. I wanted that Noah! More than anything else at that time in my life I _needed_ _that _from you!"

Exhausted Luke sat heavily on the arm of the sofa, still doing that thing with his hands; head bowed as he recalled those memories. "But you didn't call. Not the first week or the second and by the third I was going out of my mind!"

Guilt chocked Noah. So wrecked at the time, consumed by jealousy, he'd not been able to consider Luke's feelings. Or, rather, he didn't believe Luke cared. "I was hurting Luke."

Luke looked up and caught Noah's eye. The blonde nodded as way of understanding.

"I tried with Reid." He continued, "I really tried to make it work. I _wanted_ it to work. And maybe it could have, you know? But in moments when we were alone…"

"Luke…"

"I couldn't."

Noah's heart skipped a beat. He held his breath.

"I couldn't sleep with Reid."

"You…" Noah could hardly believe what he was hearing, "never?"

"Not with Reid. Not with any of the other guys I picked up in bars when Reid finally got fed up and dumped me."

Noah was dumbstruck, struggling to get his brain around what Luke was saying. He ran a hand through his hair.

"I wanted to prove to Reid… and to you… that I could move on. I wanted to _believe_ that I could. Because I was scared, Noah… to go back to us…"

Noah slid down the wall and placed his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on his knees.

"One night I met this guy in Yo's. Some collage kid. I took him into the back with every intention of letting him fuck me," Luke laughed bitterly, "Instead I crumbled. I think I must have scared that kid half to death because he just left me there on the restroom floor. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or for so long." Luke rubbed at his eyes; already red raw. "God… but I just missed you so much, Noah."

Noah squeezed his eyes shut. It seemed that while he was trawling the L.A. nightclub scene, fucking anything that moved in a misguided attempt to feel better; Luke was back in Oakdale trying to do the same. And worse! _Needing_ him! Really needing him!

"Reid came looking for me. I don't know why. He was worried I guess."

Noah snorted with scorn but Luke didn't seem to notice.

"He took me back to his apartment, wrapped me in a blanket on the sofa and stuck a mug of hot chocolate in my hands; complete with mini marshmallows, like I was some stupid kid." Luke smiled fondly at the memory. "He treated me like a kid."

"Yeah, you and everybody else." Noah whispered under his breath.

"He gave me such a telling off. Said I should grow the fuck up and stop being an idiot. He asked me what I was trying to accomplish by pulling those men in bars and whether it actually made me feel any better."

Noah rubbed his own shoulders feeling the built up tension there. After not wanting to hear what Luke had to say, he suddenly found himself hanging on every word.

"I told him that it made me feel like shit. And do you know what he said?"

Luke waited for Noah to look up and as soon as he did dropped to the floor; holding the gaze as he crawled over to where Noah sat; obviously afraid Noah might bolt if he moved too quickly.

But instead Noah asked, "What's that?" Genuinely curious.

Luke turned and sat up against the wall beside him, mimicking Noah's pose and posture. They both kept their eyes fixed straight ahead. "He said I should wake up, that a three year old could tell me where I belonged."

Noah summoned up every amount of bravery he had left; which in relation to all things regarding Luke wasn't very much. They both turned their cheeks against the wall to face each other.

"Where's that?" Noah asked, desperately hoping he already knew the answer.

Luke reached out for Noah's hand and waivered just a moment before touching, slowly lacing his fingers through Noah's.

"Wherever you are… I belong where you are."

Noah's forehead dropped to where their hands sat joined against his knee. He rubbed his lips back and forth over Luke's entwined fingers. He so badly wanted to believe that was true.

"All this time," Noah chocked, "I thought you were with Reid."

"If only you could have stayed, Noah."

"I couldn't…" Noah sobbed.

"I know. I don't blame you bubby. It's like you said last night… everything was just…"

"Circumstance." Noah nodded slowly.

"By the time I realised I couldn't be without you, it was already too late. You had cut yourself off from me completely. You were gone and not a day has gone by when I haven't felt that regret."

Noah lifted his head back up to rest against the wall, "I've wasted so much time…"

"We both have…"

Their heads turned and their eyes locked as always.

"So what happens now?" Noah asked, reaching up to move a stray bang that kept stubbornly falling across Luke's right eye.

"Well," Luke replied, sniffing tiredly as he pressed their foreheads together, "I don't know about you but I could sure use a nap right now."

Fighting heavy eyelids of his own Noah used the wall to leverage himself up to standing, pulling Luke up with him. They swayed before each other for a moment, regarding each other in a renewed light.

Luke made the first move, running an arm over Noah's right shoulder and curling the other around Noah's waist. Noah buried his nose in Luke's skin and inhaled deeply. He still smelt of sleep and fear, sweat and sex. It was intoxicating.

Too tired to even make it back to the bedroom, Noah pulled Luke by his hand and led him over to the large and utterly inviting sofa. As they collapsed onto it Noah wrapped Luke tightly in his arms.

Someone's foot kicked Noah's abandoned coffee mug from the tabletop. It dropped to the floor and a black stain spread quickly through the beige carpet.

But for once the usually compulsively clean Noah couldn't have cared less.

He didn't know what the future held. He couldn't consider that. He pressed a kiss to Luke's sleeping lips and fell into a dreamless slumber.


	11. Chapter 11

Sometime during the night Noah awoke to the feel of soft hands against the side of his face, gently pressing half moons into his cheek. His heavy eyes focused on Luke's features so close up to his own.

Noah lay silent and still, holding his breath as he allowed Luke to press a path down his cheekbone. They lay that way for some time only shifting position when Noah's right arm demanded release from where it was wedged between them on the sofa.

They both rolled over onto their backs, Luke half on top of Noah. Noah kissed the side of Luke's neck and Luke lifted Noah's left hand, examining it above them as though through wonderment.

The apartment's light was still on; and it was perhaps too bright; but neither of them dared move to turn it off. The connection was temporarily re-established. It was a miracle but it was fragile and neither would risk breaking it just yet.

Their hands toyed with one another; interlacing, stroking, massaging. Noah and Luke both watched their fingers play in perfect silence, soaking up the charge that ignited through their touching.

Luke's fingers were long, the nails flat and neatly clipped, but peeling slightly on the edges where he'd obviously chewed them out of anxiousness.

The sight stirred something deep inside of Noah. In the back of his head was a persistent voice he wasn't yet ready to deal with. He ignored it and increased his possessive hold on the other body.

After a while Luke pulled at Noah's hand in a downward motion; bringing Noah's arm around him. His breathing pattern changed and Noah knew he'd fallen back to sleep.

"Goodnight baby." He whispered, closing his own eyes at the quick stab of pain in his gut.

Again he pushed this to one side. For tonight at least Luke was his. He'd deal with everything else in the morning.

...

It was easy while caught within the grips of raw exhausted emotion and total love to forget, or choose to forget, all the reasons why you were so angry. It's easy when the outcome you really wish for seems just within your grasp; seems plausible.

But in the cold light of morning Noah could not ignore the ultimate truth; the ultimate betrayal.

And it all came back to Reid.

_Noah could actually feel his body shaking in anger and pure dislike. He seethed at Dr Reid Oliver's complete disregard; at the way he continued their scheduled appointment as though nothing had happened at all; as though he hadn't set out to steal Luke away. _

"_You're continuing to show signs of improvement." Reid announced as he scribbled something on the paperwork attached to his clipboard. "I'm going to increase the dose of your prescription. Use those drops I gave you in each eye four times daily. You can… um… book another follow up appointment with the nurse outside for two weeks from now. Do you have any questions?"_

_Noah couldn't hold back anymore, nor could he continue to pretend that he was okay with everything when he definitely wasn't. _

"_Yeah," he asked, turning to face the doctor, "I was curious about when you started having feelings for **my** boyfriend?" _

_Without flinching Reid ripped Noah's subscription from his clipboard, handing it to Noah as he announced shamelessly, "Second or third time I laid eyes on him."_

Noah jerked awake sitting upright and finding himself alone on the sofa. His thoughts flashed immediately back to the morning before and his heart stopped beating.

"Luke?" He asked the room.

"I'm in here." Luke responded from the kitchen.

Noah wiped the sweat from his brow and breathed a sigh of relief as he heard the kettle start to boil. Luke was making coffee.

The blonde appeared in the doorway already showered and dressed. A strange tension hung in the air.

"Morning." Luke said, looking unsure.

"Um… morning." Noah responded, running nervous fingers through his hair.

"I hope you don't mind," Luke continued, "But I borrowed one of your shirts."

Noah shook his head, recognising the green Quicksilver t-shirt, one of the first items of clothing he purchased on his arrival in Los Angeles.

Luke leaned against the door frame, "Are you okay?"

Noah wasn't sure. He stared down at the ugly coffee stain in his cream carpet and quickly decided to stall, "Yeah… um… I'm going to shower, okay?"

Luke's eyes clouded over with worry but he nodded and Noah left the room.

...

Luke was sitting at the breakfast bar with a bowl of cornflakes when Noah returned in a pair of black form-fitted jeans, a blue t-shirt with a regulatory red and white button-down flung over the top.

Luke flashed Noah a look of trepidation and Noah tried to smile, to reassure Luke in some way, but it came out weak.

Luke's eyes fell to the table. He pushed a couple of flakes around with his spoon but didn't appear to be eating any of them.

Saying nothing, mostly because he didn't even know where to start, Noah headed for the coffee. He took longer than was necessary to pour a mug.

"More?" he asked, holding up the jug.

Luke nodded without looking up and as Noah leant over the bar to refill Luke's mug, Luke attempted to eat a small spoonful of cereal. He grimaced; dropping the spoon and pushing the bowl way from him.

Noah ignored the gesture. He returned the jug to the countertop and sipped at his own coffee, pretending not to watch Luke. Clearing his throat he asked, "How did you get in here anyway?"

Knowing this was merely Noah's attempt to make conversation Luke shifted on the stool, "I had a meeting early yesterday morning. I didn't think you'd go to work after… everything." Their eyes met for a moment before Luke's questioning glare became too intense and Noah turned to open a top cupboard and remove a breakfast bowl. "I expected you to still be here when I got back but I was locked out. So I took the elevator down to find the supervisor."

"Mr. Bennett let you in?" Noah asked turning back to Luke with surprise. He felt somewhat dismayed by that.

"Well, not at first." Luke replied, "That guys a real dickhead by the way!"

Noah laughed bitterly, shaking his head, "Yeah, don't I know it!" He leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, "So, how much did it cost ya?"

Luke smiled, "Fifty bucks."

"That's it?" Noah scoffed. "That's all it takes for him to let some stranger into a tenant's apartment?"

"Well, that and because I promised to repair your broken faucet for free so long as he loaned me the tools." Luke gestured with a nod toward the red toolbox now sitting closed and out of the way on the floor against the kitchen wall.

"Shit," Noah complained, "that guy is such a fucking cheapskate! He'd sell his own mother if he thought she was worth some cash!"

Luke laughed, "Yeah I bet! He kept muttering about how if he left things long enough you'd eventually pay to have them fixed yourself. That's how I found out about the fire escape. Anyway he saw me with you the day before so I guess he thought it would be pretty safe letting me up."

"I doubt he cares one way or the other. Saw an opportunity and ran with it."

"You're probably right."

Noah turned his back to Luke once more and set to work shaking cereal into the bowl, "So, what was the meeting about?"

Noah bit his lip the moment he asked the question. He'd almost forgotten… almost…

There was a lengthy silence and he was afraid to turn. Eventually, when he did, it was to find Luke standing right behind him; eyes wide with apprehension.

Luke bounced nervously, reaching out to just lightly brush his fingers against Noah's chest, afraid Noah might bat him away at any moment.

Instead Noah pulled Luke into a hug; pressing the blonde's head against his chest and raising his eyes to the ceiling before dropping his nose into Luke's shower damp hair. He knew what had to happen and he wished he could spare Luke the pain, but he didn't see how it was possible.

"You're never going to let it go," Luke whispered, voicing aloud what they both knew to be true; his breath permeating the cotton of Noah's shirt and heating the skin beneath it, "are you?"

Noah pushed him back gently by his shoulders and hooked a finger under his chin, shaking his head and maintaining eye contact, "No. I don't think I can. I'm sorry."

Luke nodded in acceptance. His forehead dropped to Noah's chest and Noah kissed the top of his head.

"Do you hate me for it?" Luke asked without moving from his current position.

Noah broke from their embrace and turned to the counter to hide his face from Luke, "I guess that's one of the hardest things about all of this… that I can actually hate something you did."

"You hate me for loving him?"

"No. I hate that he set out to destroy us and worse that you let him." Noah moved into the centre of the room, suddenly needing to put space between them. He could hear the volume in his voice elevating and it wasn't what he wanted.

"I know that's what you think, Noah, but really… he didn't deliberately set out to…"

"Yes he did!" Noah yelled, accentuating each word; turning suddenly on Luke, eyes blazing. "He as much as told me so himself!"

"What are you talking about?"

"The day of my last eye appointment with him. That's why I punched him later at the Lakeview. He had this smug look on his face like… like life to him was one big game of chess and he'd just won. And he had, I guess."

"Noah we were already broken way before Reid even showed up!"

"Yes! But any and every chance we might have had to fix it he was there manipulating us; messing with our emotions."

"I can't believe that."

Noah sighed, reigning in the anger he'd lived with for two years. It wouldn't help so he softened his voice, "I know. I know you can't Luke. Because you always want to see the best in people. You even did the same thing with my dad. A man who put you in a wheelchair for months! And that's just it. I mean you're even out here promoting _his_ work."

Luke frowned, "Yes I am Noah. And I'm not ashamed of that! More than a hundred people can see now because of him! Including you!"

Noah slowly and loudly clapped his hands, "Well congratulations Dr. Oliver. Let us all bow down and praise you! It doesn't matter that you're a complete asshole. You're so brilliant that you can feel free to do whatever the hell you like. You can take whatever you want!"

Luke's face froze in shock. It was clear he didn't know how to handle this sarcastic version of Noah, "Noah, Reid was the one trying to help me locate you when you left! He was there for me!"

"That just makes it worse Luke!"

"How so?"

"Because it proves that he knew you loved me all along! But he tried to take you for himself anyway! Because that's what he is Luke! Arrogant and Selfish!"

Luke was still shaking his head and that just infuriated Noah even further.

"It was only when he couldn't get what he wanted from you that he changed his tune. Frankly I'm surprised he even bothered to help you at all."

"Noah…"

But Noah wasn't listening, "What he did wasn't just wrong morally Luke, it was also unethical. He used his position as my doctor; he used our emotional distress to get closer to you. I mean I _trusted_ him!"

Luke's shoulders slumped.

"I wasn't perfect. I accept I made mistakes. But I'll never forgive him for that Luke. He gave me my sight back, yes. But the cost was too high! It was too high, Luke! And it can't be undone. Not ever. And I'll be damned if I'm going to direct some homage to his brilliance!"

Luke's eyes grew wide, "You? Mr. Khan asked you to direct?"

"He didn't tell you?"

"No. He said he had a person in mind but he never mentioned your name."

"Yeah, well. I wouldn't get too excited. _My_ own breed of brilliance will be reserved for far more worthy causes."

Luke took a few steps closer to Noah, "This isn't just about Reid, you know? This is about Memorial and the new wing. The hospital is in a position to help a lot of people, Noah. People who are in the same boat you once were; blind and desperate! Not to mention the jobs it creates in the community."

Luke's passion was one of the main things that Noah loved about him. He marvelled at how Luke put his whole heart and soul into his projects; how he lived to help others. And it was this that caused Noah to relent slightly, "Look I know. I get that okay? But the documentary will just have to be made by somebody else. I can't be objective enough. I'm sorry."

Luke nodded and then folded his elbows considering something for a moment. When he finally spoke Noah knew this was a last ditch attempt to save them, "Noah? When I say I love Reid…"

"Please Luke, it's enough. Let's not keep going over this because it's never going to change anything and it just hurts."

"I know. But I need you to understand that… that I've never been _in love_ with Reid. I thought I was for a moment, yes. He made me feel wanted at a time when I really needed that. And I know how he seems on the outside to other people. I guess…" Luke stared at the floor, "I guess I just see something in him nobody else can. At least nobody else but Katie."

"I'm not blaming you Luke. I want you to know that. I made plenty of mistakes myself. I should have fought harder for you. I should have made my position clear to him before he really got his claws into you. Most of all I should have made you see what he was doing. But I was such a fucking mess!" He sat down on the edge of the kitchen table and whispered, "It was such a shock…"

Every cell in Noah's body shook; images of watching Reid kiss Luke through the window of the Snyder house assaulting him after years of burying them deep in his subconscious. They tore at him; chocked him. All that time he'd spent in darkness desperate to see Luke again. And that was what greeted him!

But the greatest hurt wasn't so much Reid kissing Luke as the undeniable fact that Luke kissed Reid back; that Luke enjoyed it.

"You lied to me Luke." he said; fingers fiddling together; head bowed, "Day after day you lied."

"I didn't want to hurt you…"

Noah roughly wiped the tears from his face. The last thing he wanted was for this discussion to descend into the madness of the past few days. They would only end up back in each other's arms, desperate for comfort but having solved nothing.

"I know why you did it." Noah replied, looking up and almost sobbing at the look on Luke's face. It felt like their breakup all over again. "It just doesn't change anything. As much as I love you… We are over, Luke. At least for now."

"Just," Luke moved forward, body language screaming to be held, "please Noah… If you don't want to be with me any more then I'll handle that… I'll find a way somehow. But please promise not to cut me out again… okay?"


	12. Chapter 12

Noah lay cocooned within a mass of sheets, still fully dressed in the clothes he'd thrown on that morning. He had to bat a few times with his arms to free himself quickly enough to grab his buzzing iPhone from the nightstand, "Hello?"

"So you actually gave me a real working contact number, ha?" The magical voice teased him from the other end of the line. But Noah could also hear relief that he'd picked up the call.

"No point me hiding anymore Luke." Noah shifted to make himself more comfortable in the bed he'd been wallowing in since Luke's difficult departure a few hours previously, "You home?"

"Yeah, and in bed. I just wanted to hear your voice and let you know I made it back safe."

"That's good." Then Noah frowned suddenly with a thought, "Hey? Where is home these days?"

A silence followed and Noah quickly peeked at the display just to check he hadn't lost the line.

"Luke?" Noah asked into the mouthpiece, "You still there?"

"You'll think I'm crazy."

Noah wondered about Luke's sudden unease and decided to break the tension with a joke, "Since I already think you're crazy, I doubt it would make much difference."

Noah smiled when he heard Luke snort with a fake drawn-out moan, "Hey!"

"Anyway," Noah continued, "I love that you're a little crazy."

"That's why I need you in my life Noah." Luke said softly, "To calm me down."

Noah inhaled through his nose and moved the conversation from the topic of their relationship back to his previous query, "So? Where _are_ you living?"

There was no hesitancy from Luke this time, "Our old apartment."

Noah sat up in bed and pressed his back into the headboard sure he had misheard, "What?"

"It came up for sale over a year ago," Luke explained, "and I… you can call me sentimental or whatever… But being here makes me feel close to you."

"You bought it from Mr. Reece?" Noah was shaking his head in disbelief, remembering the cold draft, the peeling paint and broken furniture. They did what they could to the cheer the place up; a spoilt Luke moaning about its condition on a daily basis. But with Noah's stubborn insistence they split the rent evenly it was all they could afford on his meagre coffee shop wages. There certainly hadn't been any spare cash for paint and fancy furnishings and Noah refused to accept help from Luke's wealthy relatives besides the odd house warming gift.

Yet at the time none of that really mattered. They were in love and happy. It was their first real home together.

"Yeah." Luke sounded excited, "Wait till you see it! Completely refurbished! You won't recognise the place!"

It didn't go unnoticed by Noah the future tense Luke used as he spoke those words, "No more squeaky doors, ha?"

"Nope. Mildew free power shower too! With… wait for it… _actual_ hot water!"

Noah chuckled. The shower he remembered was a faint trickle of water that struggled to get to tepid, "Oh! I like the sound of that!"

"Yeah, the place is really cosy now. But not the same, you know? Ever since I moved back in it's… it's kind of been missing something…"

"Luke…" Noah chastised.

Before Luke left for Oakdale Noah explained that he couldn't make any promises regarding their future. The only thing Noah knew was that he wanted to maintain contact and try to resolve his feelings. He asked Luke to be patient and not to push him on the subject of their relationship.

"I know. I know." The sweet voice conceded now, "I'm just saying."

Luke's reappearance in Noah's life was so unexpected. Noah had resigned himself to never laying eyes on Luke again. The events of Luke's visit had taken their toll on him. Everything happened so fast. His body felt bruised and battered, like he'd gone a couple of rounds in a boxing match without training for it first. Noah needed time to work things out in his head; really understand what he wanted out of life.

When Luke was around Noah's brain was clouded by his need to touch and be close. But sending Luke away didn't mean he wanted to, or ever could, cut the man totally out of his life. He absolutely shivered at the thought of going through that again.

He'd being living life like a zombie for far too long already.

His mind swimming with a thousand thoughts Noah changed the subject once more, "Have you seen any of your family yet?"

"No. Just took a cab straight home from the airport." Luke replied, "Hey? I wanted to ask you… should I tell them? I mean… that I found you?

Noah nibbled on his bottom lip in contemplation, "I don't know."

"They really miss you Noah. And they've been so worried about you! Especially my mom!"

Noah's thumb nail slid into the groove of a tiny scratch on the side of his phone and he fiddled with this absentmindedly, "I know. And I'm sorry about that. I really am. I miss them too. It's just… They'll expect me to visit and I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

"It's okay." Luke told him warmly, "I won't tell them right away but we'll have to eventually. And I think it's best it comes from you."

"You're right, I know. Thanks."

He heard Luke yawning, "Well, it's pretty late so I'm going to try to get some sleep."

"Okay." Noah slid down in the bed, cradling the phone to his ear, "Night."

"Night."

"Oh and Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for calling."

Noah waited for Luke to disconnect. Somehow he couldn't seem to press the button himself.

He listened to Luke breathing for at least two minutes.

Eventually Luke whispered, "I'm afraid to hang up."

"It's okay, Luke." He soothed, "You can call me any time you want."

"You mean that?"

"Of course. I promise. Now go to sleep."

"'Kay."

The line disconnected.

Noah placed a small kiss on the phone's mouthpiece before returning it to the side of the bed.

...

Noah knew true love. He knew what it meant to feel totally safe and warm within its embrace. He knew how it could buoy him up; push him forward; make him feel invincible.

But understanding the truth; realising he was in love; was one of the most terrifying moments in his life. Because as he sang his joys to the heavens there was always the accompanying fear of failure and most of all the insecurity; the terrible thought of losing this person so precious to him that Luke had become a part of Noah's very own sense of self.

Eventually Noah could not escape the questions. He asked them every day he had Luke in his life. Why me? Of all the people this smart, funny, gorgeous and confident person could choose to love; why would he choose the mess that is me?

So continued the self doubt which had plagued him all his life.

Am I good enough for him?

Wouldn't he be better off or happier with somebody else?

Am I selfish to hold onto him?

It was a self doubt that reached record levels the day he lost his eyesight and found himself totally dependent on Luke. It was this potential, that he could be submitting the man he loved to a life Noah didn't want for him, which finally broke the camels back. And so, months later on a chilly October day, when Luke could no longer go on as they were, Noah didn't fight the break-up. He let Luke go but clung to the hope he'd regain his sight and eventually his love, and then all would be right with the world.

If only life were that simple.

Their relationship was like the most delicious mug of coffee quickly cooling before he could drink it all, until finally he had no choice but to leave it unfinished; nothing but cold black bitterness remaining.

It was then that Noah learned the most painful truth of all; true love had the power to rip a person open and chop them up in pieces. True love had the power to self-destruct.

Noah knew that if he was to have any chance of renewing a relationship with Luke; and yes, he wanted that more than anything; he'd have to find a way to not only conquer his own insecurities but to learn to accept Luke's point of view as far as Reid was concerned. With Reid still in Luke's life, even if only in the form of a friend and colleague, Noah wasn't sure how possible this would be.

He feared the hurt and pain that could come from trying, but he'd tasted the Luke again and now he craved the possibility of success even more.

Noah had to accept that he and Luke _were _broken up when Reid made his first official advance on Luke. Whether Reid was instrumental in that state of affairs or not was neither here nor there as far as Luke was concerned. Noah had to accept that in a technical sense, Luke was free to pursue a relationship.

He examined his feelings with a fine tooth comb; something he'd spent a long time avoiding doing. And it wasn't easy, in fact it was gut-wrenching, but he was determined to find his way back to Luke in whatever capacity that turned out to be.

He forgave the deception; it was the first thing he let go. He cried as the resentment dissipated. It was a relief. If he were honest with himself he had always known the developing feelings between Luke and Reid were kept secret to protect him, rather than as a malicious attempt to hurt his feelings.

He called Luke right away to tell him.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Luke replied, tears in his voice.

"You were only trying to help me and you were just as lost and confused as I was; not least because of how I'd been treating you. I shouldn't have taken so much of my anger out on you. It wasn't fair."

"You understand why I couldn't tell you right?"

Noah nodded even though Luke couldn't see it. "I wouldn't have allowed Reid to perform the surgery."

"I don't like that you're alone right now."

Noah laughed wetly, "I know it doesn't sound like it because I'm crying so much but, oddly, I haven't felt this good in a very long time."

"I'm glad." There was a slight pause before Luke said, "And Noah? I know you're not ready to… I mean that you need more time… but I need to say it... I still love you so much. Despite everything that's happened, it's never changed."

Noah was about to reply when there was a knock at the door.

"Luke. I'll call you back later okay? There's someone at the door."

"Okay." He sounded disappointed.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"Same here."

He hung up, wiped his eyes and nose on the back of his hands as much as he could, and opened the apartment door.

Claudette stood in the doorway, her eyes widening at the sight of him.

"That bad ha?" He asked half jokingly, rubbing a palm self-consciously up and down the beard he now sported.

Her mouth gaped open but she seemed frozen to the spot with shock.

"You wanna come in?" Noah held his arm out into the apartment in invitation.

She blinked a few times and sidled past him through the door. Her eyes flew over the airless and dusty room; mouldy half-eaten sandwiches and empty beer cans littering the floor and surfaces; crumpled bedding on the sofa. She twitched her nose in disgust. Noah was sure the place smelt but after three weeks locked away he hardly noticed.

"I was worried." She explained, dropping her handbag on the sofa on her way over to the nearest window. She unlatched it and flung it wide open, "And from the looks of it I was right to be." She turned to face him, hands on her hips like a seasoned headmistress, "When was the last time you showered or ate a decent meal? You look emaciated!"

Noah stared down at himself and blushed. He hadn't even noticed he was wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxer shorts.

"Well this simply won't do!" She exclaimed, "It won't do at all!" She marched over to where Noah stood and tugged him toward the bedroom by his arm, "Now I'm going out to get you something to eat. In the meantime I expect you to shower, shave and for god's sake put on some clothes!"

It was Noah's turn to gape. Claudette had never spoken to him with such authority before.

They reach the bathroom where she paused and stared sadly at him for a moment, clucking under her breath. She stood up on her toes and planted a friendly kiss to his cheek.

"How did you know?" Noah asked with a tired frown. He was surprised at how happy he was to see her.

"Unfortunately I'm not a stranger to heartbreak myself. When you've been through it, you start to recognise it in others."

"I'm sorry." Noah sympathised.

"Don't be." She smiled, lifting up her hand where a diamond wedding ring blinked on her finger.

Noah smiled back.

"Now hop to it!" She demanded, patting his bicep before leaving him alone.

He heard the front door shut and shook his head in amazement. She really was very good!

He turned and for the first time in days and saw his reflection in the full length mirror.

"Shit!" He ran fingers through greasy black hair and peered closer in shock at his black-rimmed eyes. He swallowed as he turned in profile and saw how his ribs protruded through his skin and gagged when he caught a whiff of his armpit, "Well Noah Wilson, or Mayer, or whoever they hell you are these days, time to follow the little lady's orders."

...

A week later Noah was back at work feeling healthier with the help of Claudette's home cooked meals and morning coffee runs. And even though Luke was once again physically absent from his life, this time it was different.

With the release he found after Luke's departure and the knowledge that Luke's romantic relationship with the doctor had failed, mostly because of Luke's inability to let Noah go, Noah began to find an inner peace; a rekindled hope. He felt less resentful, more like his old self; no longer stressing to keep up a wall of pretence.

Slowly, Noah began open up and let people in again.


	13. Chapter 13

Noah leaned forward and clicked to open his Outlook calendar, practised eyes flying over the day's appointments.

He took a long sip of his take-away coffee and hummed in approval as the caffeine set the wheels of his mind in motion. He began making plans and writing agendas; filing information in the appropriate and ordered places of his brain.

Claudette sat patiently in the chair she'd pulled up beside Noah, pen and pad at the ready. She was watching him so intently he could feel her eyes on the back of his head and so he turned to look at her.

"What?" he asked, catching her contemplative expression.

She opened her mouth as if to say something profound but instead simply shrugged, "Oh, it's nothing."

He turned back to his computer but when she continued to stare at him he had to ask again, "You keep staring at me?"

"Sorry." She blushed with embarrassment and ducked her head, "It's just… ever since you got back to work last week you're… um… different."

Noah smiled softly when he caught a hint of fondness in her eyes, "Different?"

"Yes." She replied, "I mean. I don't know _exactly_ what happened to you during the time you had off, but I do know it was difficult." She smiled, "However, despite that… it seems to have done you a world of good somehow… You're… calmer."

Noah nodded his head, thinking back to the person he'd been only a few weeks before.

"What's changed?" She asked.

Noah thought for a moment, eyes fixing on the Beraud painting but not really seeing it, "I guess I realised that carrying all that hate and anger around was pointless. I wanted… I don't know… vengeance I guess? Retribution? Or acknowledgment for all I'd lost from the person who took it from me. But I'm never really going to get that… and… in the process I wasn't just hurting myself but also the only people who've ever really cared about me."

She nodded in understanding, "So this person who broke your heart so badly… you've let him go?"

Noah cocked his head at her curiously, "How did you know it was a him?"

"Well," She replied, shyly glancing at the carpet, "I'd like you to think I have some kind of woman's intuition but actually it's because I was out one night and I saw you with a man."

Noah laughed but then became more serious, "No…"

"No what?"

"No is the answer to your question. I haven't let him go. I doubt I ever will."

A huge grin grew wide across her face, "So you're going to fight for him? That's it isn't it?"

Noah returned the smile but didn't respond. Instead he focused his attention back to the work at hand, "We'll have to move the three o'clock with Mr. Fitch to tomorrow." He said thoughtfully, "I'll never make it across town in thirty minutes."

"Well, tomorrow's pretty full up already." Claudette replied with a frown, disappointed her boss had clammed up on her again.

Noah clicked on the next date and, sure enough, his calendar lit up like a Christmas tree with all the different colour coded appointments stuffed in.

He sighed when he saw it, highlighting a week's worth of dates and seeing no improvement in the future either.

"I'm sorry," Claudette apologised nervously, "It's just that people aren't used to you being gone for such a long time. Everybody is pressuring me to speak to you."

Noah rubbed his temple, "It's okay. It's not your fault. Besides… it's good to keep busy, right?" He smiled over at her and she relaxed, "But even I can't do this many meetings in one week. We're just going to have to decide which of these are the most urgent and the rest will have to wait."

"You won't be able to help with that right now though I'm afraid." Claudette told him.

"Why not?"

She bobbed her head at the screen, "You have a catch up with Mr. Khan in five minutes." Noah groaned and she laughed at him. "I know… I know… But there was only so long I could put him off for."

"Thanks Claudette." Noah said, already standing and making his way to the door, "See what you can make of the schedule and we'll have another look at it later."

She nodded.

"Oh and Claudette?"

Her head lifted from the computer screen and she caught his eyes.

Noah leaned forward, gripping the doorframe in both hands, "I'm going to at least give it a try."

She smiled with excitement before punching the air, "Yes! I knew it!"

…

Chuckling Noah left Claudette and rode the elevator up to the top floor where Jagad Khan's three roomed office was situated. Noah despised over excess and Jagad was the quintessential self indulger.

Unlike the rest of the studio building which was modern but simply furnished, Jagad's office was a far more refined mixture of darker colours against cream walls; accented with bright spot lights that reflected off an immaculately shiny floor.

Expensive modern art, part of Jagad's own extensive collection, hung upon the walls; and comfortable seating was carefully placed to keep these in view.

Noah knew that everything in the office interior was carefully chosen to efficiently highlight Jagad's own perception of wealth and self importance.

"Noah!" Jagad exclaimed, leaping up from a nearby sofa and meeting Noah halfway across the massive front room. "You have at last taken time out of your busy schedule to come see me."

Noah did not miss the hint of sarcasm. He knew Jagad wasn't please Noah had forced him into give the Oliver documentary to Timothy.

"I was told you have not been well these past weeks. I truly hope it was not anything serious."

Noah shook his head, "I'm doing much better, thank you… um… I wanted to apologise. For the way I ran out of here…"

Jagad held up his hand to silence Noah, "I must admit I was surprised. You are usually the very best example of professionalism. I realised right away that you were out of character that day and, since you have been gone for so long, I must have been correct."

Noah nodded.

"If you were any other director I may have thought twice about your behaviour, I hope you realise that."

"I do."

"The important thing is that you're back where you belong." Jagad patted Noah's shoulder with fake fondness, "And you are just in time to be interviewed for the Oliver documentary."

Noah was already shaking his head to decline when he was saved from doing so by a loud beep.

"Mr. Khan?" The voice of Jagad's secretary filled the room.

"Yes Cheryl?"

"I'm sorry to disturb you but you are needed in Studio 3. It's urgent."

Jagad sighed with irritation, addressing Noah, "It's Jacob! That man is a walking disaster!" He lifted his head up to the roof, "Okay Cheryl. Tell them I'm on my way."

"Yes sir."

Another beep indicated that Cheryl had disconnected from the intercom.

"Well Noah, we will have to catch up another time I'm afraid."

"Certainly." Noah replied, "I'll have Claudette schedule a new time."

"You do that."

…

Noah accompanied Jagad as far as the elevators; saying his goodbyes before turning right and taking the long corridor that would lead him to Studio 12; where his talk show was being filmed.

He passed the rows of executive offices until he reached the back fire door. He took the fire escape downward two steps at a time and quickly arrived on the first floor where Studios 1 through to16 were situated.

Smiling at how well he knew the shortcuts he started toward his destination.

"Do you think we could take a break?"

The voice brought Noah up short; his feet skidded to a holt just as he passed by the open doorway of Editing Room 7. His heart leapt once and then pounded hard.

"You want to stop?" another familiar voice asked. It was Douglas Armstrong, one of their top documentary presenters.

Noah took two steps backward and peered into the room from where the voices were coming. Timothy was seated before a bank of monitors; three right before him showing different camera angles of the same shot and two higher up, further behind him; situated so that other people could view the footage and comment as needed.

Breath shallow Noah was drawn toward one of these higher monitors. He stood before it fixated on the screen where Luke was framed in a headshot. The blonde, dressed in a blue collared shirt, was looking downward. But as Douglas asked his question Luke looked up.

Noah's hand reached forward and he dragged his fingers gently down the smooth screen and over Luke's features. Luke's eyes were shadowed and heavy with a look Noah had only ever seen him use on his biological father, Damian. It was a look of deep disappointment and utter betrayal.

The editing information on the screen told Noah the footage was a day old.

"You need to do this today, don't you?" Luke asked into the camera; voice resigned.

"I really do." Douglas responded from off camera, his voice sensitive and encouraging, "I need to submit all the interview footage by midnight. We are on a very tight schedule."

Luke must have been sitting at a table or desk of some sort, because his fingers interlaced as though his elbows were rested on something and he pressed his lips into his two thumbs; face awash with thought and sadness.

Noah's heart burned. Luke was struggling with something.

Eventually Luke must have come to a decision because he dropped his hands and nodded, "Okay, let's just get this over with."

There was a rustle of papers in the background as Douglas went over his questions.

"So," Douglas began, "Dr. Oliver. He must be a pretty remarkable man."

Noah drew breath. It wasn't a question. It was more an invitation for Luke to debate should he choose to do so. Douglas, as always, was an excellent and experienced journalist. He sensed he'd caught Luke at an opportune moment; for whatever reason Luke's defences were down and for a film-maker that meant anything was possible.

"You want me to say he's an honourable person." Luke replied, "That he's good and caring. That he's some kind of a hero."

"I don't _want_ you to say anything Mr. Snyder. This is an objective documentary. For that I only need the truth from my interviewees"

"Well," Luke continued after another pause, "I guess when you're around Reid's work, when you witness it for yourself; that look on your loved one's face, when he goes from utter devastating blackness to being able to see again? I guess it's natural that you'd want to hold Reid up as some kind of miracle worker. I guess you'd _want_ him to be all those things. Because that would make for the perfect story, right? And it becomes almost easy to forget about or dismiss the fact that… he just isn't."

Noah's eyes widened.

"He isn't?" Douglas asked.

Luke shook his head at the camera, eyes glassy, "No."

"Would you like to tell us who or what Dr. Oliver really is?"

A single tear dropped from the inner part of Luke's right eye and Noah wished more than anything he would wipe it away; spare Luke the revelation and acceptance of the truth Noah had grown to realise but which Luke had, until now, refused to believe.

"Dr. Oliver's main concern is for the craft and the development of his skills within that. When he achieves things, it's not completely due to any inbuilt desire to do good or give back to the world. Reid is driven purely by the desire to succeed. He's cruel and selfish and narcissistic." Luke's voice rose in anger and he stopped quickly to reign it in. He worried his lower lip, eyes flicking left and right as he considered this. "He took something from me." He whispered finally, voice cracking, "He took it on purpose."

His own eyes filling, Noah nodded. He knew that something must have happened between Luke and Reid, but at that moment he didn't particularly care what. He felt simply relieved, as though Luke had awakened from some spell...

"What do you mean by that Mr. Snyder?" Douglas asked.

Luke sniffed and wiped his eyes, "It means… It means that when Dr. Oliver wants something… when he sets himself a goal… he'll do anything to achieve it. And… and he doesn't care who gets hurt on the way… he walks the line between right and wrong…"

Smelling controversy Douglas went in for the kill, "Mr. Snyder, am I correct in thinking that you are putting into question Dr. Oliver's ethical conduct?"

Luke's head snapped up as though he'd forgotten the cameras were there and had suddenly remembered.

"I'd really like to stop now, please." He said quickly after a long pause.

The screen went blank and Noah blinked a few times; swallowing the lumps in his throat.

"So that's it, ha?"

Noah jumped. He'd completely forgotten about Timothy sitting quietly in the same room.

"Sorry?" Noah asked him as he tried to compose himself.

"The reason you turned down the documentary." Timothy eyes were blazing. "You knew! You knew this documentary was going to be about far more than just a pioneering new hospital wing."

"I knew, yes." Noah nodded, "But that's not the only reason why I turned it down."

"Some of the stuff Douglas has unearthed could seriously result in this man's medical licence being revoked. And I'm not sure what that would mean for his patients or Oakdale Memorial."

Noah shrugged, "It wouldn't be the first time the medical board tried to take it from him and I'm guessing it won't be the last. I wouldn't worry about it. No doubt Reid will find a way to weasel his way out of trouble."

"You realise that I'm way out of my depth here?"

Noah shook his head, "Believe me when I say this okay? You're good! Real good! And you _can_ direct this documentary the way it should be directed. That is your job. Forget sentimentality and concentrate on fact!"

He didn't wait for Timothy to comment, he had another far more pressing concern – Luke.

...

Noah found an empty quiet room where he could close the door and have some privacy.

Shaking he pulled his phone from his jacket pocked and dialled Luke's number.

It rang only twice.

"I wondered how long it would take before you saw it…" Luke answered dejectedly instead of with the usual 'hello'.

Noah hated that cheerless tone and immediately felt the need to hold him.

"Are you okay?" Noah asked, filled with concern.

"Not really. But it's better that I know, right?"

In the background Noah could hear the unmistakable sound of a hospital's PA system calling for a Dr. Barron. After Noah had his accident and lost his eyesight, Luke's charitable foundation donated a substantial sum to help build the new Neurology wing that would be headed by Dr. Oliver. Luke had been invited to sit on the board and thus spent a substantial portion of his time at Oakdale Memorial attending various meetings.

"What happened?" Noah asked, taking a seat at a small meeting table in the centre of the room.

"I did what I should have done right from the start. I just asked him."

"Oh." Noah replied flatly.

"Yeah, oh. I asked him whether he fell for me before or after we broke up."

"And I take it he said before."

Luke snorted, "So of course I asked him whether he deliberately made things more complicated for us. And Reid… you know there is one thing you can always rely on with Reid and that's his complete honesty. He has no reason to lie because he never thinks he's in the wrong."

Noah nodded his head, "What was his answer?"

"He said yes."

There was a moment of quiet punctuated by the sound of Luke's breathing on the other end of the line.

"How can I ever make it up to you Noah?" Luke's strangled voice reached through the phone and wrapped a tighter hold on Noah's heart. "I thought I saw something good in him. I wanted to believe I did because… because…"

"You needed him."

Luke sniffed, "With everything that happened I felt like I wasn't enough and the fact that he wanted me…"

Noah closed his eyes tight as Luke continued.

"It made me feel good about myself again and… and…"

Noah knew what Luke needed him to say but he wasn't ready to. The feelings ran deep and some were far older than just the ones which had eventually separated them.

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me…" Luke pleaded.

Noah could hear how upset Luke was. He worried that there was nobody around to take care of him. He also needed to end the conversation. He wasn't ready to confront that side of his anger yet. He searched his mind for something to say that would comfort Luke without igniting false hope.

But he was interrupted from saying anything when Luke gasped loudly through the phone, "Reid?"

Suddenly there was a huge commotion. People were yelling and Noah could hear numerous hurried footsteps and the hospital swing doors opening and closing.

"What happened?" he heard Luke cry out in anguish, voice panicked.

"Luke?" Noah called desperately into the phone. "Luke? What's going on?"

Then, just as quickly as the upheaval erupted it was quiet once more; just the same hospital noises as were there at the start of the conversation.

"Luke?" he asked again, feeling a fear creep through his gut.

Noah heard Luke's shuddering breath as the blonde brought the phone back up to his ear.

Luke struggled to speak, his voice laced in shock. He said just three words to Noah before the line went dead, "I need you."


	14. Chapter 14

Noah leaned forward against the black leather steering wheel of his parked rental car, slurping slowly and noisily through the lid of the take-away coffee he'd picked up at Java on the way from the airport.

He'd missed the coffee from Java. It had a very distinctive woody flavour totally unique to the tiny coffee store where he'd spent so many hours of his life in Oakdale; serving customers, wiping tables, restocking wooden stir sticks and tiny sachets of sugar.

The black mud offered to him on the flight from Los Angeles was abandoned with disgust after one tentative swallow. So, despite his urgency to locate Luke, Noah knew he'd function with a much clearer head if he sacrificed the few minutes it would take to pick up a proper brew en route.

But he couldn't even enjoy it. He barely tasted it. His stomach was a knot of nerves and apprehension; his eyes fixed on the white farmhouse with the green roof.

The metal rooster atop the nearby barn squeaked as it rotated in the warm breeze blowing in from the southwest and Noah could hear the familiar neigh of horses, enjoying exercise in the sunny paddock.

After a few minutes Noah flopped back in the car seat.

"Come on Mayer!" he said aloud, discarding the coffee cup in the car's drink holder, "Grow some balls!"

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath he exited the vehicle.

As Noah closed the door he took a moment to cast his eyes over the landscape; breathing in the long remembered scent of hay and oak-chips. The rolling hills, dense forests and long rustling grasses remained unchanged from the pictures he'd stored in his memory. It made the two years away seem more like two days; as though he'd stepped across parallel dimensions that were running at different speeds.

Snyder Farm tugged on his heartstrings in much the same way as Luke did. It wasn't the place of his childhood but it might as well have been considering how much Noah loved it. It was the only place he'd even truly felt at home; part of a real loving family; everything he'd ever dreamt of as a sad and lonely child, being dragged back and forth across the country as his father's military career dictated.

When he lost Luke, he'd also lost the farm and the family that had welcomed him in; a mother and father, brothers and sister, aunts and uncles and grandmothers. Especially one particular grandmother whose evening beef roast and potatoes Noah could smell all the way from inside.

He followed the tantalising aroma up the two porch steps and into the conservatory, nervousness gathering with each jittery step closer to the open back door. He'd left this family without even the courtesy of a goodbye and he didn't know what to expect once they saw him.

The large and rustic kitchen was empty except for Grandma Emma. She was the very picture of apple-cheeked perfection; yellow floral apron tied neatly around her ample frame as she stood before the central kitchen countertop. Oblivious to Noah standing so near, she sniffed while finely chopping an onion with a chef's true skill.

Noah couldn't take his eyes off of her. He was frozen by the beauty of the moment and utterly entranced by a scene he'd woken up dreaming about some nights while alone in Los Angeles. He tried to speak and announce his presence but his lips were oddly glued together and his mouth felt dry.

Finally taking another step into the kitchen he was brought up short by two arguing voices approaching from the opposite side of the kitchen. Emma turned toward the sound, still without noticing Noah in the doorway.

"I know that Holden," Lily exclaimed, first to appear. She was obviously upset as she entered the kitchen speaking over her shoulder to Luke's father, "But we've tried everything else and nothing seems to be working."

Holden followed shaking his head and frowning; deep in thought. Since Lily had stopped with her back to Noah it was Holden who noticed him first. When he lifted his head his eyes flew wide open in surprise and his mouth moved in an effort to speak; only nothing came out.

"There must be someone who can break through to him?" Oblivious, Lily continued to address Holden with exasperation.

Holden and Noah stood locked in a deep moment of silent communication. Noah felt his throat burning with emotion at the utter relief and love radiating from the older man. Without breaking their stare Holden wet his lips and uttered, "Maybe there is."

It was then Lily noticed Holden's line of sight and she turned to follow his gaze, as did Emma, who's attention up until then had been fixed on Holden and Lily.

"Oh my!" Emma exclaimed, chopping knife dropping to the floor and hands lifting up to her rosy lips. Her eyes were already brimming with tears, "Oh my, oh my!" She moved to stand before Noah, glancing up and down his long frame, "Is it really you?"

Ashamed, Noah nodded lightly staring down into the eyes of the gentlest woman he'd ever met.

"Noah…" She said softly, a smile curing her lips and one hand resting on her heart. She turned her back to him and laughed wetly, "Look! Holden? Lily? It's him! It's Noah!"

Both Holden and Lily nodded as Emma gestured her hands at the long lost boy in her doorway, but were still too shocked to react.

Emma turned back to Noah and pulled him into a tight embrace, "Oh my dear boy! You've come home at last! Oh thank you Lord!" She pushed him back, gripping his elbows and checking him over again, "You're too thin! You've not been eating at all!"

Crying now and totally unable to speak, Noah couldn't help smiling as he shook his head in agreement. He knew she was right. He'd not been looking after himself very well at all, at least not up until lately when he'd begun to accept the past and move forward.

Emma cupped both his cheeks in callused hands and stared into his eyes knowingly, "You're here for Luke."

Smile vanishing, Noah nodded, "He needs me."

By now Lily had stepped closer and Emma moved out of the way. Noah stood waiting for her anger and reprimand but, like Emma, Lily simply hugged him to her chest.

"Oh Noah, baby." Lily cried into his shoulder, "We've been so worried. You were hurting so much when you left and we didn't know what happened to you. Whether you were okay…"

"I wasn't." Noah told her as she drew back, "But I'm better now and… I'm so sorry." He looked up and caught Holden's eyes once more, "All of you! I realise what I did to you and… I was… it was too hard… and…"

"It's okay son." Holden held up his hand, putting an end to Noah's difficulties, "You're home and that's all that matters."

Noah nodded unsurely and then asked the question he really wanted to know the answer to, "Where is he?"

Noah knew Luke was somewhere on the farm because his car was parked outside between Emma's beat up old truck and Lily's silver BMW.

The farm was the first place Noah drove too after his quick pit stop at Java. It just seemed the most natural place to start. Luke was upset, and when Luke was upset he always headed for the farm.

Lily paused, confused, "But how did you know to come?"

"Oh… um…" Noah stuttered sheepishly, "Luke found me while he was in L.A…"

"What?" Emma exclaimed, "He's been home for weeks! He never said anything… Why would he keep something so important to himself?"

"Please don't be mad at him." Noah whispered, "He wanted to tell you but I asked him not to… I… I wasn't ready. I mean… seeing Luke… it was a shock and… Again, I'm so sorry! After everything you did for me you didn't deserve to be treated like that… I have no excuse… just that…"

Lily cocked her head at Noah sympathetically. "Really it's not what's important right now."

They all took a breath as they remembered their dilemma.

"Is he okay?" Noah asked.

"Oh Noah," she replied, stroking a hand down Noah's cheek, "he's _so_ sad."

Noah held both of her hands in his, "What happened?"

Lily looked over at Holden with concern but after he nodded she replied, "It's Dr. Oliver…"

Noah dropped her hands and fought an impulse to turn and run. He feared what she'd say next, "Look… I came because I know Luke needs me but… I'm sorry… there's nothing about Reid that I want to know…"

"…he's dead."

The blood drained from Noah's body and he staggered back a step, "W-what?"

"Oh it's just awful!" Lily sniffed, wiping her eyes, "It was an accident. His car… something went wrong with it and… it crashed through the barrier and off the side of the Port Lane Bridge… right onto the main railway line to and from Chicago. He was alive but a train came and…"

Noah ran his hands along the sides of his head, "Oh my God."

He didn't know Reid visually. He'd only ever actually _seen_ the man once or twice. To Noah, Reid was represented in his mind as more of a voice or a presence. At one point, obnoxious or not, that presence had been comforting; it meant there was still hope.

But it would later become the voice of his nightmares, laughing at him in his sleep.

Noah hated Dr. Reid Oliver not only because he'd won Luke's affections, but also because of what he would later represent. Ultimate proof; that the relationship Noah held so dear and thought so right, was in reality flawed and weak and so was he.

He strongly believed that Reid's advances on Luke played a major part in the final demise of their relationship; and that as his doctor, Reid was out of line. Noah hated Reid for this.

But to die like that? Noah wouldn't wish death on any person, not even Reid.

He looked up from the kitchen floor, "And Luke's…?"

"…not doing so good." Holden finished, pressing a hand to his temple as though he had a screaming headache, "He's not said a word to anyone since it happened. The whole things really hit him hard and he's exhausted but he won't sleep."

"Everything just happened so fast!" Lily exclaimed, "And I think it's only now starting to sink in…"

Noah nodded, still in a state of shock and disbelief. He sensed there was far more to this story but at that moment he could only process one piece of information.

Reid was dead.

Noah struggled to get his head around it. His thoughts went immediately to Luke but then secondly to all of Reid's current patients, waiting for their chance at sight. And to all Reid's future patients who'd never get their turn.

"Luke loved Reid." Lily said almost absentmindedly and then remembered and gasped, "Oh, Noah! I'm so sorry! I didn't say that to…"

"No, it's okay." Noah held up his hand even as he flinched at the comment, "I already knew that anyway." He looked up at the rafters shaking his head, "I just… I feel so terrible for Luke! I can't even imagine what this is doing to him!"

Holden placed a strong hand on Noah's shoulder, squeezing gently, "Luke's never stopped loving you son. We're so pleased you've come home Noah. I think you're exactly what Luke needs."

"I think so too. That's why I'm here."

Lily smiled with pride at Noah and it made him feel a spark of warmth inside even as his stomach swirled so much he felt like throwing up. It was starting to feel like God was testing him.

He gathered strength from somewhere deep inside and asked, "Where is he?"

Lily smiled softly through her tears, "Don't you already know?"

Noah thought for a moment and then returned her smile.

"Don't worry," he told the three pairs of troubled eyes watching him expectantly, "Luke's going to be just fine. I'll make sure of it."


	15. Chapter 15

Even after two years away Noah still knew the path through the thick woods to reach the small hidden bank on the north side of Snyder Pond; Luke's place.

He'd walked it in his dreams sometimes; Luke's voice echoing through the ancient boughs of the trees calling, "Noah?"

But Noah could never find him. He would always wake in a cold sheen of sweat and heartache.

As he remembered this he shivered and his hand tightened around the warm thermos of Emma's own finely ground coffee. In his other hand, carefully wrapped inside a red and white kitchen towel, he carried a freshly baked loaf of sliced banana bread.

"Maybe you can get him to eat something." She'd told Noah before he left, pressing the bundle to his chest and leaning up to kiss his cheek, "And it wouldn't do you any harm either, if I'm any judge."

A rusty blackbird cawed loudly overhead; it's cries echoing throughout the treetops and, as Noah reached the last section of sun dappled pathway, a tiny white rabbit sprinted across his path making him jump and serving as a reminder that the natural world continued, regardless and oblivious to the current turmoil of the people living alongside it.

He found Luke standing at the water's edge with his back to the trees. Noah couldn't see his face, but he could tell by the hunch of his shoulders that Luke was hurting.

The blonde was wearing faded blue jeans and a white t-shirt with two thin red and black horizontal strips. For a moment Noah wavered at the memories the sight elicited. The image sparked the incessant longing Noah had for the man; for the dark, teasing eyes that seduced him so effortlessly. All of his life's most intense experiences were wrapped up in Luke.

"My Luke." He whispered softly.

Quietly, Noah placed Emma's small meal offering on a nearby rock before walking closer; footsteps muffled by the yielding grass underfoot.

"Luke?" It was said softly; voice almost blown away by the gentle wind.

Their bond hooked and locked into place the moment Luke turned; russet eyes dim with vacant confusion and sickening anguish; his skin pale.

Luke's pain hit Noah hard, seeping through him until he began to cry from it.

"No...ah…" Luke hiccoughed, arms extending. It was a call; a plea for help.

Noah flew the last few steps down the grass verge and met Luke in a solid hold, "Shush… It's okay… I've got you…"

He pulled Luke down to the grass with him resting the other man up against his chest and crossing both his arms close around him; cradling him like a child.

Luke clung to Noah, clutching at his shoulders with tightly balled fists. His breath came fast as he let go. He gasped for air through vocal sobs into Noah's blue shirt; his entire body heaving with the effort of it all.

A feeling of utter helplessness washed over Noah; his right hand softly stroking Luke's upper arm. His heart panged at the glisten of tearstains on Luke's cheeks and, however unreasonable, he hated Reid a little more then; for tormenting Luke by dying in this way.

"I know, Luke, I know…" he soothed, wiping the fresh tears from his own cheeks before running his fingers through the blonde hair, "Oh baby…"

Noah hated watching Luke suffer; he couldn't stand to see him in pain. They had both already suffered enough of that to last a lifetime. The harder Luke cried the tighter Noah held him. He could only hope it was helping.

Perhaps it did, because eventually Luke cried himself out, until all that remained were soft sniffles and shuddered breaths. Still, as Luke began to calm some, Noah continued to support his weight; placing butterfly kisses across his forehead.

"I guess…" Luke eventually sniffed, moving and relieving Noah from the burden of having to hold them both up, "I guess I did love him after all, ha?"

Luke tried to wipe the snot and tears away with his hands but was unsuccessful, so he crawled to the water's edge and splashed his face clean instead. Once finished he sat back on his knees and scanned the horizon.

"Everything just carries on." He said thoughtfully, licking the pond water from his lips, "This terrible thing has happened and I feel like the world should stop and take notice or something."

"I was just thinking the same thing on the way here." Noah replied, "But I guess… I guess death is just a part of it all."

"Yeah." He huffed, "A sucky part."

Noah stared at him for a moment, cocking his head in sympathy.

"I'm sorry Noah." Luke said without looking over.

"For what?"

"I'm sure you really don't want to be here watching me cry over…" Luke shrugged his shoulders heavily as the words caught in his throat and he vocally sighed.

"All _I_ want is for you to be okay." Noah assured him, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. Then as an attempt to distract him Noah said, "Hey! I brought you something to eat?"

Luke shook his head, "Thanks but I can't."

Ignoring him Noah was already on his feet fetching the banana bread and coffee thermos from the rock were he'd left it. Without a word he returned to Luke and sat back down, untying the cloth bundle to reveal the food and resting it neatly on the grass between them.

"Is that?"

"Yip." Noah nodded with a sly smile, unscrewing the thermos and releasing the vanilla laced steam. He tipped the red cap to create a mug and poured a portion of liquid into it.

"Hmm, black." Noah noted, "Emma remembered."

Luke shifted up closer and Noah held the mug under Luke's nose so that he could take a whiff. Luke smiled softly, "As if she could forget? As if any of us could?"

Their bloodshot eyes locked for a moment until it became so intense that Noah had to shake himself free of it. He took a sip of coffee and offered the mug over to Luke who did the same.

Resting his arms across his jean-clad knees Noah waited until Luke had consumed at least a few bites of the bread before saying, "Luke, I'm _so_ sorry."

Luke stared down at a morsel of bread between his fingers and nodded.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Luke looked back up into Noah's eyes for a long moment and stroked his free hand down Noah's cheek, "You came. It's all I need."

Noah grabbed the hand and kissed the tips of Luke's fingers, "What happened?"

Luke sighed deeply and threw the remaining bread he was holding at a small gathering of hopeful ducks that had made their noisy way across the pond when Noah first produced the food. The larger of the birds, a greedy green-feathered male, quaked loudly; frightening the others and claiming the prize for himself.

"He was on his way back from Bay City Hospital." Luke began, eyes watching the ducks but not really seeing them, "He went to fetch a transplant heart."

"What?" Noah frowned, "Why?"

"For Chris Hughes."

"Chris Hughes? Dr. Bob's son?"

"Yeah."

"Casey used to talk about Chris a lot." Noah recalled, "He's back in Oakdale?"

"Yeah. He was away doing outreach work. Came back from Africa a few months ago." Luke ran his fingers through his hair, "Turns out he brought a virus along for the ride; attached to his heart muscle."

"Oh my God!" Noah exclaimed.

"Anyway, things were getting more than a little dicey for Chris and the truth of his illness came out. Reid managed to track down this matching heart for him. No easy feat! It's not like you can just go to the pharmacy and purchase a spare body part…"

"No."

"Reid was just in time too because Chris was fading fast. But about five minutes before it was due to be sent some big shot doctor over in Bay City claimed the heart for his own, less critical, patient."

"Shit." Noah whispered, shaking his head. He couldn't even imagine what the Hughes family must have been going through at that moment.

"And of course that just fucked Reid off!" Luke continued, "Somebody overriding his authority like that? I've never heard him swear so much!"

"Humph… I bet!"

"He wasn't having any of it. He jumped in his car and sped of to go and fetch it back."

"But hang on a minute?" Noah asked, holding up his hands, mind racing to keep up with the story, "Why the hell was Reid involved in any of this? He's…" Noah stopped short for a moment and corrected himself, "He was… a brain not a heart surgeon. I should know!"

Luke nodded, "Yeah. Long story short... He found out just how sick Chris really was when Chris didn't want anybody to know. He was treating Chris in secret."

"I don't understand? Why?"

"Bob's retiring. Chris wanted to be considered for the position of Chief of Staff..."

"At the risk of his life?" Noah asked in frustration, "Is he crazy?"

"It's not the only reason."

Noah saw another sad look flitter across Luke's eyes as he blinked a few times.

"Chris and Katie started dating a few months ago." Luke explained, "They want to get married. They're already living together and everything."

Luke didn't need to say anything else. Noah worked the rest out for himself. Katie, no stranger to mourning after the death of her husband had suddenly found herself with a deathly ill boyfriend. No wonder Chris found it too difficult to tell her.

"Shit." Noah whispered.

"Yeah." Luke replied softly, wringing his hands together. "Reid must have been driving too fast and I guess he lost control…"

Noah nodded, "And the heart?"

Luke sniffed, "They recovered it from the wreckage. Chris survived. He's doing good..."

"Wow."

"Yip."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both deep in thought, both watching the sun glinting off the water.

"Luke?" Noah said softly, staring down at his hands, "You know I had my issues with Reid…?"

Luke snorted, "Yeah! Who didn't?"

"…but I want you to know... I really am sorry for him. And for you…"

Luke looked over at Noah. His expression was searching, as though he expected to find some hint of insincerity in Noah's blue eyes.

"I mean it Luke." Noah assured him, gaze holding fast.

Luke dropped his forehead to Noah's chest and Noah pulled him closer. They sat side by side; arms over each other's shoulders; squinting into the bright sunshine.

"I was so mad at him when he told me..." Luke said, suddenly and thoughtfully, voice periodically breaking. "And we didn't have time to talk about it before I was being whisked away for that interview. And I said terrible things Noah! Terrible things that just weren't true! I was angry and I didn't want to say those things about him. I made him out to be some kind of monster and now he'd dead and he wasn't… he really wasn't Noah…"

"Yes he was!"

"No…" Luke was crumbling again.

"YES!" Noah insisted, twisting to grip both of Luke's arms and shake him, "Yes. He. Was!"

"He said he was sorry." Luke whispered, not even fighting Noah's sudden attack.

Noah waivered, those words cutting him short. He dropped his hands. He hadn't expected that, "What?"

"Reid. He said he was sorry. And I doubt he'd ever apologised for anything his whole life so I _know_ he meant it."

Luke leaned defeated into Noah, burying his face in Noah's shirt. He was so broken that Noah didn't have the heart to stop him.

"You spoke to him?"

Noah felt Luke nod his head as he replied, "Yeah. That morning… before he left for Bay City."

Noah cleared his throat, "Sorry for what?"

The words came out harsher than he meant and Noah tried to pull the resentment back. He wanted to be there to comfort Luke, not argue with him.

He felt Luke stiffen at his tone and waited for the blonde to pull away, but he didn't. Instead, Luke seemed to hold onto Noah ever tighter.

"He said he underestimated the connection."

"Connection?"

Luke did pull back then, but it was only so he could look Noah in the eye, "Us. He said he didn't realise how strong our connection was until it was too late and… you were gone and… I was… I was a mess..."

Luke's words were stoking that pit of rage Noah held for Reid; it began to burn white hot and he vigorously shook his head, preparing to stand; needing to escape.

"Noah?" Luke pulled Noah closer; hand smoothing Noah's lower arm, encouraging him to stay put.

If there _was_ a fire in Noah's gut, Luke's touch was like somebody throwing a bucket of cold water at it. It simmered slightly, spitting and sparking, but not quite out yet.

"I don't think we should talk about this right now." Noah told Luke with clenched jaw, "The guy just died okay? And it… It's not appropriate. I'm gonna end up saying something I don't want to right now."

Never had Luke given him a look more earnest, "I _need_ to talk about it. I need you to know. You have to understand."


	16. Chapter 16

Noah had the shivers. It was a warm day; small droplets of sweat running down his temple. Yet he shivered.

"Here." Luke's concerned voice wafted through Noah's consciousness and he felt the plastic thermos cap nudge against his fingers. His hands curled around the mug by habit and he trembled as Luke encouraged him to sip.

He swallowed two large mouthfuls and leaned sideways into Luke, rubbing his face against Luke's heartening shoulder. He sighed at the feeling of Luke's reassuring hand on this cheek, smoothing over his chin; the other rubbing the small of his back. He felt intoxicated by the combination of Luke and coffee.

"I'm sorry, bubby." Luke pleaded.

Noah could only whimper.

"I love you so much Noah…" Luke whispered assuredly.

Noah twisted so that he could look up at him.

"…and after L.A. I know you know that."

Noah nodded; his throat too tight to speak yet.

Luke returned the nod, "The last thing I want is to cause you any more pain than I already have… so… so if you really can't do this…."

"Just…" Noah's voice sounded gravely and he cleared his throat. He pushed the mug back into Luke's hands and pulled out of their embrace; standing up on shaky legs.

"You're going?" Luke asked; voice sounding panicked.

Feeling Luke's anxious eyes on his back, Noah walked closer to the water's edge. He watched as a flock of starlings took flight from the trees across the pond. They spiralled in brown and blue; patterning the sky. It was hypnotising.

"I guess that's what you expect me to do." He turned to lock eyes with Luke's troubled browns, "I guess that's what the old me would have done."

"No." Luke replied but Noah could tell he didn't believe that.

Noah smiled cynically, "It's okay Luke. I know it's true." He turned back to watch the birds; waiting a few minutes to gather his thoughts. "Everybody thinks being in love's this wonderful thing; all roses and chocolates and sunshine the whole time; little bluebirds tweeting above your head like some fucking Disney movie. And they think everything's right with the world when you're in love."

Noah bent to pick up a flat stone from the ground, feeling its weight in his fingers first before flinging it expertly; watching as it skipped three times along the clear blue surface of the pond; plop, plop, plop. He used to enjoy doing that with Luke; holding competitions. Just the two of them with all the time in the world, their whole life stretching out in front of them like a lazy endless summer.

He turned to find Luke considering him.

"But it's not… Is it?" Noah asked.

Luke inhaled through his nose; shoulders heaving. He shook his head, a few strands of hair falling over his right eye; causing shadows to dance on his pretty face.

"When you're out there looking for 'the one'… nobody warns you about how much love can also hurt. Noah stared down, smoothing the grass under his sneaker, "Being away from you these two years… it's been hell."

"For me too."

Noah lifted his eyes to Luke again, "But I learned something?"

"What's that?"

"Being in love… _really_ being in love… means taking the bad with the good. It means you have to accept that things aren't always going to run smoothly; that there are things you can't change; things you might not even like about one another. That sometimes you make the wrong choices. But if you want your love to last then you have to work through it instead of running just because you're scared."

Noah watched Luke wipe the tears from his eyes. He was still kneeling on the grass where Noah left him.

Noah approached and knelt before him, pushing Luke's hair back from his face, "That's the true test if we want to hold on to this love. And despite everything I do want to." He brought Luke's hand to the vicinity of his heart and held it to his chest, "Because this thing between us is so beautiful and means _everything_ to me. And when it's working right, it's worth every single ounce of pain that might come with it. And I'm sorry I'm only realising this now…but… but better late than never, right?"

Luke sobbed and bit his lower lip, own hands coming up to mirror Noah's previous actions by cupping Noah's cheeks, "You mean it? You still want this?"

Noah pressed his forehead to Luke's and nodded; curling his fingers gently around the sides of Luke's neck, thumbing his earlobes as the tears flowed freely from both of them, "I don't know if it's possible. But I'm willing to try… if you are?"

"Are you kidding? I made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go!" Luke cried, "All I've been doing these two years is beating myself up over it and… and waiting for you to come back so I could tell you that. I made the wrong choice. I'm so sorry, Noah. I never meant to hurt you like I did. I was just _so_ scared."

"I made the biggest mistake pushing you away. And then I made it worse by running. We both made mistakes baby. Plenty of them..." He sighed as his voice lowered to broach the hardest subject of all, "And Reid…"

"Noah…"

"What Reid did was wrong and… I will always believe that Luke. I trusted him as only a doctor can be trusted and he went behind my back. But I can accept that you loved him. I hate it but I can understand."

"Thank you."

"Because…" Noah continued, "that's what you do Luke… you love. It's who you are. You look for the best in people. And for some reason you need constant affirmation in yourself. Even though you're just about the most perfect person I've even known."

Luke laughed softly through his tears, "Obviously I'm not all that perfect! If I was then clearly I wouldn't have screwed everything up like I did."

Noah twisted to sit back down beside him, "Luke… whatever Reid did or didn't do… it… it just doesn't matter anymore."

Luke regarded Noah carefully, "It doesn't?"

Noah shook his head, "The point is that he came between us. He came between _us_, Luke! And that's what we need to understand if we want to fix this and prevent it from happening again. We thought our love was so strong… that it couldn't be broken. But when everything was said and done… somehow… Reid managed to do just that."

Luke reached up to smooth a dark curl around the back of Noah's ear, "It wasn't our love that broke bubby. Even Reid knew that. We're proof enough… because we're sitting here now… after everything we still love each other just as much."

"What then?"

"I think… I think it was you and me that broke. Each of us individually. Me, because… because I needed to help you and for you to let me. And you because in one second you lost your dream and I played a part in that."

Noah placed a forefinger on Luke's lips, "Sh. I regret, more than you could possibly know, ever letting you think that what happened was your fault. It wasn't Luke! And I never want to hear you say that it was. Okay?"

Luke smiled softly, "Okay."

"Besides… I didn't push you away because I blamed you. Maybe that's what I let you believe because I knew it was the one reason you might accept."

"Why then? Why didn't you need me?"

Noah kissed him. Luke's eyes widened in surprise. He wasn't expecting that. But his lips were quick to answer Noah's call.

When they pulled apart Noah whispered, "I need you Luke. I need you now and I needed you then. But I was stubborn… upset at losing my independence… and… and most of all afraid _for_ you."

"For me?" Luke asked incredulously, "Noah, you were the one who went blind! Whatever I was going through wasn't even half of what you were suffering."

Noah smiled with a slight laugh, "And there it is."

"There what is?"

"Your complete selflessness. That some selflessness that would have had you stay with me even when you could have a better life."

"You know Noah? You were blinded in more ways than one if you couldn't understand… there was no other life that I wanted _but_ to be with you; whether you could see or not."

Noah smiled, "Taking the bad with the good. I told you already… I get it."

"I learnt something too." Luke shifted between Noah's legs, leaning back into Noah's chest.

"Aha? What's that?" Noah rested his chin on Luke's shoulder.

"That I'm a spoilt brat who always has to get his own way; I'm interfering and pushy."

Noah couldn't help the gulped laugh from escaping as he rubbed his hands down both of Luke's knees.

"What?" Noah asked sarcastically, "You?"

"Shut up!" Luke giggled, playfully stabbing an elbow back into Noah's side.

"Ouch!" Noah jokingly laughed.

They sat that way together, watching the birds continue their dizzying aerial display.

"Thanks for coming." Luke murmured eventually.

Noah nuzzled the back of his neck, "No place else I want to be."

Luke shook his head, "I just… I still can't believe this has happened…"

"I know." Noah agreed, "I can't help but think of all those people on his surgery wait list; thinking how I would have felt if this had happened before my surgery."

"Well… he was busy training some junior surgeons on his procedure. I guess we can only hope they've learnt enough to continue his programme."

"Yeah." Noah rubbed a few times up and down Luke's right arm, "You gonna be okay?"

"Now you're here…" Luke replied. "And Noah?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"I'm really glad I found you again."

Noah pulled Luke closer, "I'm really glad you found me too."


	17. Chapter 17

He kept Luke locked possessively between his knees as they finished off the last of the banana bread; chasing it down with cooled-off coffee. It felt so incredibly good; the two of them sitting silently together by Snyder pond as if no time had passed at all. It was simply familiar and comfortable within each other's presence, stealing kisses, like they always used to. It felt amazing to have Luke wrapped up in his arms, feel Luke's heat as the blonde leaned back into him. Smell him. Touch his skin.

It felt right.

He could almost relax and pretend. Almost…

If it were up to Noah they would stay that way forever; block out the real world and build a safer one of their own; wall themselves in. But even as he was thinking this, Luke was already wriggling to move.

Noah felt that dull ache; that familiar node of doubt and fear grown on this heart like a cancer. He'd been living with it for so long.

Luke was a free being; a bird; born to soar through life at the behest of the wind. Luke could not be caged.

Noah knew they'd have to leave eventually but...

He flung one arm just under Luke's neck; hand gripping Luke's opposite shoulder to hold him in place. He pressed his lips to the warm skin between shirt and neck and inhaled deeply; that oaky, vanilla-coffee, hay-laced scent of Luke.

"Not yet." He whispered, "Please… not yet."

Luke's body, still tense with grief, shuddered under Noah's fingers; gave way, relaxed and grew heavy against him. Luke even smiled a little at Noah's words, igniting a spark in a previously hopeless dark. Noah swallowed, enjoyed it; soaked it in; remembered what they'd just agreed; what they'd once been and hoped to have again.

Together.

This time it _had_ to work.

...

He woke when he felt that distinctive change in the air; a slight chill as the sun began to disappear behind the border of spiky treetops and the nightly breeze picked up.

Luke lay asleep on his side beside Noah, eyes rolling fitfully behind lids framed with long blonde lashes; wisps of hair tracing the curve of his neck. Even in slumber he had Noah's shirt bunched tightly in his fists; keeping Noah to him.

The last time Noah watched Luke sleep like this, Luke was curled in a ball on the sofa in L.A. and Noah was preparing to let him go forever. That thought sent an instant bolt of pain through his heart.

"I could never let you go." He whispered, kissing Luke's temple; slightly sunburned from hours of sitting by the pond. "I'll never get tired of watching you sleep. God, Luke…"

It was hard to imagine this slumbering angel was the same angry and frustrated tornado that blasted his way back into Noah's life only a few days before.

"No," Noah corrected himself, "You didn't come back into my life. You never left it, baby. You were always here Luke." He held a fist to his heart, "Do you hear me?"

As if he did, Luke shifted and moaned sweetly.

Noah buried his face into Luke's neck and rolled over him.

The movement woke Luke.

"Are you awake?" he asked, voice gravely with sleep and shed tears.

Noah waited a moment before responding, "Yeah."

He soaked in the feel of Luke's hands palming his shoulders; incredible warmth soaking through his doubled-upped shirts.

"Did we both sleep?" Luke asked him, "I think I'm sunburned."

"Yes and yes." Noah responded, pressing up on this elbows to view Luke better.

Luke smiled as soon as Noah's face came into his field of vision, "Hi."

"How're you feeling?" Noah asked, twisting a lock of blonde hair around his index finger.

The beautiful smile faded, the dimples diminishing as Luke recalled the reason for Noah's presence, "Thanks for coming."

"You thanked me already." Noah reminded him.

"I know. But… look… The memorial service is tomorrow and I know this isn't the best situation for you… I mean… I... I just need…"

Noah cut him off with a kiss, "It's okay. I'll be there. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I'll help you through this."

Luke's grateful eyes were once again glassy and Noah wished more than anything to take away the sadness.

"Why did he have to drive so fast?" Luke asked Noah, voicing his frustration.

"He wanted to save a life." Noah replied simply and then sighed deeply through his nose. "Whatever happened, Luke, it's not your fault. Okay?"

"I can't help but wonder if I'd just left him alone… If I hadn't tried to change him…" Luke looked lost as a million thoughts passed across his eyes, "I accused him of being selfish and I think he was trying to prove something to me. Maybe he'd still be alive right now if…"

"You don't know that Luke. And you can't think like that either. It will drive you crazy."

Luke closed his eyes and pulled Noah down to him for a hug. It was clear they were both reluctant to move but eventually Luke said, "Guess we should head back before we're found by a Snyder search party."

Luke stood and pulled Noah up after him; without breaking contact, hands lacing together naturally so they could walk side by side through the forest.

Inhaling the well remembered earthy, musky smell of rich dark soil laced with mint and sweet floral scents, filled Noah with such a deep feeling of wellbeing he almost passed out from it. Noah tried to recall the last time they walked this way; as a couple.

A frown must have crinkled his face because Luke stopped walking and asked, "Okay?"

Noah bent to place Emma's empty thermos and kitchen towel on the ground so that he could reach for Luke's other hand, "Is it bad if, considering the circumstances, I told you… um… I think I'm feeling… happy?"

A broad smile lit Luke's face in sheer joy; Noah's words exactly the glue needed to mend the crack left behind by Reid's untimely death; like a soothing balm on a fresh wound. And all Noah could think as his stomach swirled in butterflies was, "I did that!"

Noah tilted his head and kissed the soft, dry lips from his past and from his dreams, sucking first then drawing both within the warmth of his own. Luke moaned and Noah tingled in reply; heat rising and bubbling to a boil. He didn't attempt to breach them, feeling sure he'd not be able to control his emotions; that stark desire only Luke could emoted within him. He simply savoured the kiss; exchanged sensation and warmth with him. But he stayed respectful to Luke's current pain, which in the end had nothing to do with this or them.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, Noah realised they had time. Lots of time. All the time in the world if they so chose. Suddenly Luke was _his_ again and Noah was _here_, back in Oakdale, smelling of horses and leather and dirt and grass and Luke.

Luke.

"Luke..." The last thought cracked out-loud, Noah pressed his temple to Luke's and pulled their chests flush. Luke stepped naturally between Noah's legs, fitting there snugly like he was a part, once broken off, slotting back into place.

Noah couldn't stop himself from shaking.

Luke's hand smoothed through his hair, fingertips pressing paths across Noah's skull before hooking around the back of his neck, "I'm scared too, bubby."

Noah nodded his understanding and tried to steady his breath; left hand resting in the small of Luke's back, pressing Luke incredibly close.

"You're amazing." Luke gasped, squeezing their other hands which were still laced together at their sides. Out of nowhere Noah's stomach gargled loudly and Luke laughed, "Amazing and hungry!"

"Your grandma's cooking! Can't blame me!" Noah mumbled into the top of Luke's shoulder.

"Let's go then…" Luke withdrew and Noah retrieved the thermos and cloth from the grass at their feet.

They broke through the band of trees and followed the field that led up to the back porch.

Holden stood on the step, obviously looking out for them. He called back into the house as soon as he saw them and Lily appeared. Even from this distance Noah couldn't miss the look of hope and happiness in their eyes at the sight of their son and Noah walking hand-in-hand up the hill.


End file.
